Friday, June 12, 2009

Revenge of the Hamsters ~ Feline Style

Remember when I posted about my childhood "problem" with hamsters?  And how I said that, from time to time, the little suckers get a big karmic kick back on the apparent abuse I gave them?  Well, take a look at the newest vet-fashioned accessory Mr. Bud E. Phat has been sportin' these days:

Yeah, it's about as gross as it looks.  Mr. Phat decided about a month ago that he wasn't going to eat.  We don't really know why.  He never told us and still refuses to answer any questions, regardless of how many mice or catnip toys I offered as an incentive to talk.  The Vet ~ who is now putting her third child through Princeton via my wallet ~ said that it could have been any number of things that caused him to go on this self imposed hunger strike, but that his liver had developed Feline Hepatic Lipidosis (FLD) and that FLD is idiopathic.  Great, now there is scientific proof that my cat is an idiot.

After careful consideration of the options:
A. Put in a feeding tube and have to force feed him 3x a day until he starts eating on his own.
B. Escort Bud to the Rainbow Bridge earlier than expected.
C. Let him slowly starve to death. (Sorry, wasn't gonna happen.)

I picked option A.  
B was never really an option as his odds of recovery were about 90-95% with the feeding peg. And C is just flat out sadistic, in my opinion.  
Option A also had a bonus that included a life time payment plan earning the vet a new car, braces for her fourth child and NO xanax for me.  Seriously, I thought we had covered the vet Rx program for me after Bud had all his teeth removed and nuts replaced with Neuticles.   Why the hatin?  I'm the one who has to fork over the big bucks and deal with the nastiest smelling wet cat food of all time.  Cat food that had to be heated up, mixed to a nasty consistency, then syringed into the tube over a total of approximately five minutes.  Cat food, which by the way, costs more per can than a Big Deal Meal at McDonald's.   While Bud E. has been living high on the hog (or should we say fish), I have been downing Top Ramen at a rate that is bound to make my life time sodium intake top over the billion served mark.  Why me?  Oh wait, I think I hear the pitter-patter of little hamster feet somewhere in the distance....

So today, after a little over a month of me continually smelling like a catfish fry gone bad, Bud E. and I are off to the vet to get the tube removed!!  He is (finally) eating on his own and has been for the last five days.  Proof of life was confirmed after I caught him ass-end up in the toilet bowl enjoying his favorite fountain water.  Now if putting this tube in cost me close to a large mortgage payment; I can't wait to see how much yanking this bad boy out is going to cost.  (A nice kicker to all this is that the government won't let me declare Bud E as a dependent! And I have spent almost as much on him as my girlfriends spends on their kids!)  Do you hear hamster's squeaking?  What is that noise?


Wine and Words said...

OK, I am seriously grossed out, having remembered a similarly disgusting incident with my first AND LAST cat, where I needed to constantly rinse a nasty boil type thing with a syringe. I was never cut out to be a nurse....and I took this cat in as a stray! What the hell is wrong with me? More power to ya sista, and I will sign that petition to make animals dependents!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

That picture of Bud ass-up in the toilet is beautiful. Beautiful.

I guess he should be glad you didn't photograph his other end.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@Wine: I know! It was totally gross and apparently I have a knack for finding cats who need stuff like this done to them.

@Mjenks: The Phat-ass wouldn't stand still long enough for the photo op. Every time I tried to get the tail-end, he jumped ship. This was the best I could do.

Anonymous said...

You spend too much on your cat but he does make for some funny stories, so I guess he is earning his keep.