Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Gene Pool

File This One Under Stupid Sh*t You Are Never 
Going To See Women Do

There are times when I just LOVE communal living.  Visiting the swimming pool on a hot summer evening after Dumb and Dumber have been drinking it up pool side all day is one of them.  (Dumb and Dumber are actually going to play in a major part in a second posting, so stay tuned, because these two are proof positive that some people should never be allowed to reproduce).

Last week, I was at the pool in a very advantages spot ~ where I had view of 
everyone and every thing.  Which suites me just fine as that means I can watch others and be as mentally vicious about swimsuit decisions as I want without anyone seeing my cellulite riddled thighs pressed against the lawn chair straps like a chicken on the grill.  Yeah, it ain't a pretty picture ~ that's why I take the high spot.  

Anyway, from my vantage point I was able to watch the Dumb and Dumber gang.  They proved quite entertaining as they proceeded to run through what amounted to a small liquor store in about 3 hours.  About 2 hours into it they decided it would be great fun to start throwing the football.  Starting with the obligatory short tosses between the guys, they quickly moved on to the half-assed half-pool pass.  This was followed by the aquatic version of the Super Bowl 
complete with touch down dances that would have made T.O. proud.  After a short half time break to replenish their thirst, the Dumb-Ass Gang decided to go for the long pass practice.

This is where it goes oh-so-wrong.  Dumb and Dumber tired of their long pass practice and decide to make it more "challenging".  Dumber decides that target practice would be best and oh, wouldn't these beer cans be handy-dandy targets.  Instead of placing the cans on something practical, like say the pool side or lawn chairs, Dumber places it on his head.  He then tells Dumb to throw the football and try to knock it off.

Yes, ladies it is hard to believe these men are single.  First, they are throwing a semi-ridged pig skin at a target approximately 6 to 8 inches (depending on how long you REALLY think 6 inches is...)  The target is on, what one assumes would be on a normal person, a solid object.  And unless your aim is that of a Manning family prodigy, the likelihood you are going to hit that target is pretty low.  So, how did Dumb and Dumber do you ask?

It wasn't pretty.  It took exactly five passes before Dumb nailed Dumber right square in the nose.... But here's the best part!!  Dumber actually had the wherewithal to catch his beer can first before realizing his nose was doing a perfect imitation of Old Faithful.  The medics were called and things progressed as expected.  Although I did hear the medic say that the cause of the accident was "drinking while stupid".

I saw Dumber at the mail box yesterday and he is sporting a nice metal face plate with The Bruised & Bandaged Mark of Stupidity across his nose and face.  Yeah Ladies, he's out there and available...........


Wine and Words said...

I'll pass! I am reminded of my aunt and I rowing in the delta. Her stupid aunt-ics caused us to capsize our dingy. She came up sputtering...completely bedraggled except for her cigarette, which she was somehow able to keep dry and lit. Saving beer, saving cigs...neither one high on my priority list when I am undergoing rhinoplasty by pigskin or drowning in parasite infested waters!

Chemgeek said...

Come on, Lisa! You know they saw you and thought you were hot so they decided "there is no better way in the world to impress a hot chick than by throwing a football around." So they did. Just to impress you.

From what I read into this, you did not take enough notice and they had to dial it up a notch. These drunk dudes were trying to impress a hot chick and they got nowhere. The can on the head was a last resort.

In other words, you might be a bit to blame for this. All these morons wanted was some attention.

LarryLilly said...

Where you first in line?


Yes, now that its summer break, Miss Lisa has the whole 80 days to tan like a chicken in a Texaco station rotisserie, losing skin cells by the millions.

Be careful, I bear the scars from many skin lesions being burned off at Baylor.

LarryLilly said...

maybe I should have said were you first in line.

But then its better to show your true level of stupidity than just allow people to wrack their brains in thinking about how stupid you really are.

dg said...

Stop it stop it stop it! Oh no they dih-hent!!!!

He should have done a Marcia: Oh my nose! Oh my nose!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@WW ~ I give your aunt a 8.5 for her ability to hold on to the cig. That clearly took talent :-)

@Chem ~ oh they got attention all right! I almost wet myself laughing so hard at Dumber's nose fountain and I did hold a towel on his nose until EMS arrived. But they would have impressed me more if they had brewed their own beer instead of drinking BUSH beer!!!

@LarryLilly: Ms Lisa is sadly not going to get the 80 days of sun worshiping so rightly deserved by all teachers. She has to work all 3 sessions of summer school/prep programs. So she gets a grand total of 10 non-weekend days off this year. :-(

@DG~ That would have been too funny! Actually I think he said "oohhhmmmmyyyffuuuuuccccckkkkiiinnnnngggg nooooooooooooosssssseeee!! as he tried to simultaneously look cool and try not to bleed to death. But wait until I post what these two knuckleheads did last weekend.....