Thursday, May 29, 2008

Walk it off

I am going to say this and somebody, somewhere is going to get pissed, so yeah, just get over it.

If you are going to the gym....TO WORK OUT... which is what you usually do when you go to the gym. Don't freaking ride in your car for 30 minutes, looking for the CLOSEST parking spot you can find, pissing off those of us who are stuck behind your Hummer driving ass. Park the bloody car in the first spot you see and ~ here's where this becomes a truely novel idea ~ WALK TO THE DOOR!!!  I am not joking: WALK!! 

For those of you who have recently only walked from the couch to the tub of Ben & Jerry's, I can see how this would be a truly scary situation and maybe it is why you are at the gym in the first place. Holy crap people, your legs are not going to fall off if you have to walk a few extra yards to get to the front door. From what I have seen of the buzzard-death-circle-driving-fat-asses who make these repeated rounds, a few extra steps are not going to kill you. And I'm not seeing any of the skinny b*tches circling the parking lot like their life depended on them getting the spot RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR, so maybe there is something to this idea?!?!?!

OK, one caveate: if it is pissing rain outside and you will mush up into a icky pile of matted clothes and hair by walking those few extra feet...then by all means, circle to your heart's content ~ cause I'll be right there with ya.  I'm not messing up $35 worth of perfectly applied Bobbi Brown make-up just so I look like a drowned cat on the treadmill.  I'm sure at $3.85 a gallon you can afford to suck up the gas instead of using the club blow dyer to fix your hair. You do get bonus points for hauling your ass out in the rain to go work out. My lumpy rear-end would have been at home "walkin' it" to the Ben & Jerry's container. So snaps for that. 

But if the couple of calories you might burn off doesn't motivate you then think about the gas you can conserve. My gas tank is guzzling more than me and the chickas at the last happy hour and the cost is burning a hole through my budget faster than the Coach summer sale! So you can rationalize the Bataan-Health-Club-Death-March that way if it helps. But for crying out loud people don't make the rest of us slowly queue up around you while you try to beat Bambi to the perfect spot ~ just park the damn car and walk.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Pack Off American Airlines!!

Dear American Airlines:

It's official.  You suck.  At first I thought you were only mildly annoying when you could not manage to get me from Point A to Point B without first going to Point C.  Seriously people, get a map.  That whole spoke-and-hub thing is soooo 1950's.  Move on.  Hey, maybe you will save some money and then not have to fee-f*ck your customers to death to pay for fuel.  

Then, I was a little miffed when you decided to charge me $5 for a blanket.  Blankets used to be on the plane and it was great fun seeing grown people act like asshats trying to horde them before the last unlucky bastard got to board.  Then you decided they WEIGHED too much and you could save fuel by lightening your you dumped the blankets and pillows???  I'm sure that cut back in poundage really helped save you thousands.  The kicker was when you made me pay $5 for a blanket AFTER I had payed a FULL FAIR FIRST CLASS ticket to the tune of around $1,500. For $1,500 you should have found a hot flight attendant and had him snuggle around me using his body heat for warmth (hell, at that point, I was so cold I would not have cared if he was not "interested" in high-maintenance-oh-so-cute-kitten-heel-wearing-passengers) - Not make me pay more money.  Shit, for $1,5000 I would have sat on someone's lap and kept him warm!!  The insult to injury was when you told me you had actually asked your customers if they WANTED to pay for the blankets and reported they had said yes!!  I call BULLSHIT on this one because I know I wasn't asked and I was flying on your planes weekly.  

Now the news has announced that you have decided to charge people $15 for the first bag and $25 for the second.  So in addition to the @$$-raping you give us for our fare, you are now providing the ultimate bitch-slap and are charging us to get our clean underwear to the destination of choice!!!  Seriously, you now SUCK.  Since I can't carry more than 3 ounces of a liquid (or a gel) on the plane and my carry-on bag must fit in the over head bin or under the seat in front of me, how do you expect me to get my necessities there?  Magic carpet?  Wear everything at once and go for the layered look?  I'm sorry you are getting as screwed at the fuel pump as the rest of the country, but someone at your marketing department needs to get canned.  Because who ever thought up this BRILLIANT idea is flat out a jackass.  Just freakin hide the fuel costs in the ticket fee like everyone else; don't tell me I now have to pay extra to take my jeans and oh-so-cute-flippies on my vacation with me.  Dumabass.

So, from now on I will be putting on my big-girl-britches, swallowing my high-maintenance-pride and flying Southwest.  They are apparently run by someone with a better head for business since they could foresee that fuel would go up (HELLO??? Can anyone say non-renewable resource?  That sh*t was bound to run out/low/cost more eventually) and they was smart enough to hedge their bets.  At least I know what I am getting with them: A cattle-car-free-for-all seating plan and a $2 in-flight coke.  Plus I won't be told to pay $5 for a blanket that has been on that plane since the day it rolled off the assembly line!  I'm betting with your brave new marketing plan you will be planning another date to the courts to declare bankruptcy or whatever it is airlines do with they get stupid and can't pay their bills.  So, please put you tray tables and seat backs in their upright and lock positions in preparation for your final flight. And as always thank you for screwing the American traveler this season.

Formerly AAdvantage Platinum Member

Friday, May 9, 2008

Motivate This

It's Friday.
I have an @$$ load of stuff to do.
I have a packet of graham crackers and a tub of vanilla frosting.
What do you think is going to happen ?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The Holy Trinity or I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

I can smell it.  Summer is just around the corner... If the 80 degree Texas weather doesn't have you convinced, then the antics of Jr. High Schoolers everywhere should change your mine.  I don't know if it's the increase in the pollen or daylight savings catching up, but there are 6-8th graders acting the fool all Texas this week.  It's days like these that I have to turn to the holy trinity of little helpers: xanax, Ho-ho's and THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR!!!!

Hello Ladies

Cause nothing beats zoning out on a dose of the old xan, while cramming in a double whammy of the Ho-ho and watching a three-some of blond, big-hootered women who have found the Mac-Daddy of all Sugar Daddies and are workin' it like there is no tomorrow.  Can I get an Amen???  Oh sorry, got myself worked up on that sugar high for a second.  

New guy swears that my IQ drops 20 points every time I watch this show, so right now I am working in the negative with regards to any Mensa scores.  I can't help it.  They are so much fun to watch.  I think I am a rocket scientist after any episode where Kendra speaks. Which is pretty much every episode, so get me a pen I have to start filling out job applications with NASA. 

Speaking of Kendra, I am so thankful that Hugh found her cause if ever someone was headed for a life made up of clear heels and a pole, it was her.  Much to the chagrin of Gentlemen's establishments everywhere.  And deep down inside my big boobed chest, I have to admit I secretly wish I could be one of them... for maybe a day or two... without the having to sleep with Heff stuff  ~ 'cause 80 year old ass is still 80 year old ass, no matter HOW much money you have ~eeewwwww.  

So after a hard day of kids telling me that I'm not the "real" teacher*
(I'm working on that) and that they don't have to do what I say, I need a little afternoon of mindless bliss.  Now that I have explained how to convert a decimal to a fraction for the umptenth hundred time, I need some time with my girls. So what if I have to lower the blinds and close the shades? I think I can manage the loss of IQ points. And seriously kids, you will need to know how to do those damn conversions!  How else are you going to know how to spend your hard earned McDonald's paycheck if you can't figure out that even though that Coach bag is 25% off it is still going to cost you 3/4 of your yearly income?