Thursday, July 24, 2008

Home Alone

Factoid #8 about Moi:  

I do not now, nor have I ever had, the Home Depot gene.  I do not care to know that there are 70 different types of washers.  Or that not all of them come with a Maytag repair man.  And if my toilet breaks, I want some other poor bastard to fix/un-plug it instead of me (who has discovered that cat litter + toilet = emergency maintenance phone call).  I do not care to paint, spackle or grout my way across one side of a room to the other.  I bring this up because my entire family apparently has this gene.... and it appears to be a DOMINATE gene.

My parents were in town for three weeks.  I saw them for ~maybe~ a grand total of 6 days since they spent the rest of the time playing day-laborer over at my sister's house.  Which is cool because sisss-tohhrrr got a big ol' house for a steal and it is awesome!!  Side note on the house:  The previous owner is now on a long vacation courtesy of the Department of Corrections for trying to off the husband in the house.  Apparently when my sister tells you she got a killer house... she really means it.  And the irony of the whole thing is that the block on which the house is located is LOADED with all sorts of law enforcement officers.  Seriously, you got more people with badges and guns on that block than strippers at the AVN conference in Vegas.  (AVN? You'll have to look that one up yourself ~ sorry.)  Anyway, now she and Hubby are busy doing their version of "Design on a Dime" and back to my point.

I was seriously screwed out on the Home Depot gene.  My dad is an architect and works on construction sites where he supervises people building things for a living.  Da Mamma (and hubby) just build their own version of the backyard "Taj Mahal".  So you would think, totally basing this on Dominate-Recessive Gene science, that I would at least know that a screwdriver isn't just for Happy Hour.  Don't ask me how this gene skipped me, but it did.  I was starting to feel a little left out until I found out that Michael Kors doesn't design tool belts and that Martha Stewart has "little" people to do the "dirty" work.  Seriously?  Do you think that bitch ever really scraped paint off a wall?  Yeah, I don't think so.  Now I don't feel so bad. :-) 

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Pole Position

The story is true, the names, dates, and personal information have been changed to protect my ass from getting hit by the real people involved. (Yes, once again I am writing a post where the names have been changed to prevent others from pointing and laughing.)

It was a dark and stormy night.... 
Well, I really don't know if it was dark and stormy, but it was late at night. Sorry, I always wanted to start a story that way.  This is the story of Guy and Girl. It's a cautionary tale of love, liquor and one person headed for a fall...

A couple of months ago, after a nice diner and a few glasses of wine (define few: more than one bottle but less than the entire Merlot section at the liquor store), Guy and Girl had decided that their romantic evening was going to end with a bang and headed to the bedroom to "retire" for the evening. Well, wouldn't you know it? A little wine, a little song selection from the ol' iPod, a little kissing and BAM!!! Down comes the do-it-yourself-at-home-imaginary-stripper pole right in the middle of the king sized bed. Warrent's "Cherry Pie" was wafting through the rafters.  Which BTW is the OFFICIAL song of strip clubs and hoochie-mamma-psuedo-strippers everywhere. Girl started doing her best imitation of Tawny Kitaen on a Jaguar. She had mastered all the required stripper moves while slithering seductively over the silky comforter, when it came time to do the often imitated and highly coveted "Hair-Flip-With-A-Smile". Now, don't be confused. This move has a 9.8 degree of difficulty and has been repeatedly been low-balled by the Russian Judge ever since that Olympic pair skating disaster in Salt Lake City '02.  Anyway, done right, this move can slay a man at 50 paces and remove more cash from his wallet than his sixteen year old at the mall with his credit card.

Back to the story.  Girl stared Guy straight in the eyes, she lowered her lids in the sultry bedroom come-hither seduction glance. She pouted her lips in her best Angelia Jolie pout and began the championship hair flip portion of the maneuver...

...And fell ass-backward off the bed!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I'd Like To Thank The Academy

Arte Y Pico Award.

Holy Xanax Batman!!  Guess what Mjenks has given me???  (And no, I don't need a penicillin shot to clear it up.)  He gave me an award for my blog!!  Yep, someone actually reads my blog ~ which amazed me since I recently learned that my family doesn't read it anymore because they think I am too mean. Bitter?  Just a little, but that's for another blog... and since they apparently don't read it anymore, I am free to talk about a whooooooolllllllee lot of sheeet now. :-)

Back to the award.  Mjenks ~ who by the way, is Brilliant in his blog own writing and recognition of other fabulous bloggers ~ has deemed my tales snarky enough to be awarded the blogger version of the internet chain letter.  After 5 days of figuring out how to get that damn award picture onto my computer, I am ready to make nominations of my own (Remember: Blond + Big Boobs + Keyboard = Lots of calls to tech support.)

Now I have to pick one of my fav's in the blog world.  Which is kind of difficult since Mjenks ( IS one of my fav's and I don't think I can pick him. It might be like the award winner version of re-gifting and that is so not cool.  Originally I was to pick 5, but I have a hard time with that since I read a lot of blogs and sharing the love is difficult.  So I decided that I would pick my next favorite blog ~after Mjenks, of course ~ do you think he might have noticed the sucking-up I am doing here?  Then I would add the other blogs I read to my links on the right.  Since I usually find the blogs I read through links by other bloggers, I think that is slightly fare. (We'll call these the nominees.)

So my pick for the Art Y Pico Award is:

DG's World by DG - My (I wish) twin in another city Blogger.  She is too funny on the snark and WAY more smarter than I am (get it, huh-huh?)  Plus, her gratuitous postings of hot photos of Eric Bana and Viggo Mortensen had me at HELLO!!  Not to mention she has FABULOUS hair and a way better life than I do.  And I am sure her family reads her blog... again am I bitter?  

So everyone hurry off to read her blog and the ones linked at the right.  Remember, it's an honor just to be nominated and leave some love for people when you read their blogs. And DG - tag girl, you're it.

yeah, I know it's not one of my more snarky posts, but it's hard to be yippy when someone gives you an "at-a-girl".  
Disclaimer for the winner:
1) Pick a blog that you think deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

It's All About Me

I have received a couple of e-mails from people asking me about me and why don't I tell more about my personal life instead of just stories.  Basically the gist of the e-mails was that I tell "good (I swear direct quote) stories", but that they didn't know anything about me really.   Well, dear friends there are a few reasons for the anonymity: 
1. My new career.
2. I'm not very interesting on a day-to-day level.  Who really wants to know that I walked out of a high paying sh*t job, changed careers where I am struggling to find an actual job, basically flat broke, knee deep in debt and have three cats?  Seriously, now you know how pathetic I really am.
3. The FBI relocation program frowns on its participants giving away their secrets (just kidding).

The primary reason is that I tend to say some pretty mean and/or honest things on my blog and the board of education would probably not be impressed with my ability to conjugate the word F*&K.  Since I have changed my career and am now a probationary teacher, keeping my location, real name and other identifying marks secret helps to keep any conflicts of interest at bay.  But since my loving fans (I love that you actually said you were a fan - thank you!!) have asked, I thought I would give you some fun facts about the Me that is Lisatastrophie:

#1:  I'm not a real blonde (Hell, I can't remember my real hair color because I have been playing bathroom chemist since I was in Jr. High).

#2:  I LOVE pageants.  I will sit and watch the Miss Who-the-hell-knows pageant just so I can see the crowning moment... and sit in my flannel jammies, eating Neapolitan ice cream while thinking "I got my ice cream and you can't have some.  Want a lick?  Psych."  (Word to Eddie Murphy)  

#3:  I have the "after-market" addition of two of the three components of the "Holy Trinity of Stupidity" - and I love them and don't care who knows that they are store bought.  Trust me, I actually celebrate the first day a guy had a conversation with my chest and not my face.

#4:  I love to scuba dive.  I swear it's the only way you can legally say to a guy "I'm going down" and not have him immediately get visions of porn in his head (those visions come about ten seconds later after he comprehends that you are going diving off the boat and not diving off his lap).

#5:  I don't really eat all the Ho-ho's and take all the xanax I say I do.  I would if I could, but my rear is already headed south for the winter and I can't afford the cost of that much xanax.  But until the day my butt stops growing and xanax becomes a non-scheduled drug, a girl can dream. 

#6:  I won't watch Survivor, The Amazing Race or any other reality t.v. show that has any socially redeeming value.  However; I will glue my big butt to the couch faster than a fat kid on a Ho-Ho when it comes time for a Rock of Love, Legally Blonde: Finding the Next Elle Woods, or any other train wreck "reality" show.  Especially when it's an all day "marathon" showing of the episodes.  Cause my IQ can't get low enough from all that peroxide alone.

Which brings us to #7:  I will kick you ever-lovin'-rear-end at Scene It, so don't even go there.  I can't remember all 50 states, but I can throw down on 6-degrees of Kevin Bacon like it's nobody's business.  I love movies and t.v.  I even watch the BAD BAD BAD movies.  You know, the ones where you walk out of the theater and realize that you will never have those 2 hours of your life back and you start praying to Gawd* for forgiveness at having wasted them foolishly.  I mean, whoever thought that Stripper Zombies actually NEEDED to get made... was wrong.  (*yes, I spell GOD, G-A-W-D cause I don't want to take His name and get in trouble.  I'm already in hot water for some other sh*t I've done and don't need to add to that mess.)

Some quickies:
I'm almost 40.  I have two sisters.  Three cats.  My Mom says I'm much nicer in person than I am on my blog.  My Dad won't comment.  My Aunt says I have a "peculiar" sense of humor.  And my friends are just hoping I don't end up teaching their kids.  

So now you have some fun facts about me.  Thank you to those of you who wrote to ask.  I promise I will start "revealing" more about me personally in future blogs.  I also promise to figure out how to do the tweeter thing everyone keeps telling me about.  I am soooooo not a computer person - which is completely ironic given that my last career was software.  :-0

Friday, July 4, 2008

Four for the Fourth

In a step away from my traditional snarky insightfulness (and because my mom gave me grief about deep down being a nicer person - yeah, does she know me??...there will be an upcoming blog on that one I promise), I have decided to do a different kind of post.  

It's the 4th!  That wonderful holiday where we wrap ourselves in the flag, drink beer, burn sacrifices of meat on the grill and attempt to blow ourselves up with what basically amounts to the small arms department of a third world country in fireworks.

So today I am celebrating America by picking four American that I think are noteworthy and have stuck in my mind as a slice of Americana.  And since I don't normally do these kinds of blogs I am tagging everyone who reads it to do the same on their blog.  Pick only four that you want to light a sparkler for and toast to the greatness that is the Red, White, and Blue and list them on your blog. 

1. Margaret Sanger - The woman who brought women the right to have sex and not worry about getting knocked up.  She advocated birth control in a day when the only birth control option you had was brought to you by those inventive people at the Vatican.  And we all know white people ain't got no rhythm to begin with.  So what made them think we were going to have it in bed, is beyond me.  Too bad Margaret was also a racists b*tch who believed in eugenics (basically a form of euthanasia and forced sterilization) because that totally undoes her legacy of founding Planned Parenthood.

2. Abraham Lincoln - Aside from the obvious things he did as 16th President, he inspires me in his failures.  A personal note about me:  I have done a lot of things in my life that, well...let's just say didn't quite work out the way my "master plan" had  intended.  Learning that President Lincoln also had some issues with things working out as well as he had intended as helped give me hopes that my plan for World Domination will one day succeed.

3. Miss America - Since 1921, she has never failed to inspire, entertain and instill body size issues in thousands of young girls.  I love this last bastion of the "Good Old Days".  Every September, for three hours I was glued to the t.v. to find out who Bert Parks would serenade with those famous words, "There she is, Walking on air she is, There she is...Miss America".  She has become as cheesy as they come, but I love it.  So pass the Two Buck Chuck and let the air kisses begin.

4. Eleanor Roosevelt - She was the best president this country every had.  (Cause you know she was running the show in that administration!)  Eleanor showed the world that women are equal and that behind any historically significant man, is a woman who is really doing all the work.