Tuesday, July 8, 2008

It's All About Me

I have received a couple of e-mails from people asking me about me and why don't I tell more about my personal life instead of just stories.  Basically the gist of the e-mails was that I tell "good (I swear direct quote) stories", but that they didn't know anything about me really.   Well, dear friends there are a few reasons for the anonymity: 
1. My new career.
2. I'm not very interesting on a day-to-day level.  Who really wants to know that I walked out of a high paying sh*t job, changed careers where I am struggling to find an actual job, basically flat broke, knee deep in debt and have three cats?  Seriously, now you know how pathetic I really am.
3. The FBI relocation program frowns on its participants giving away their secrets (just kidding).

The primary reason is that I tend to say some pretty mean and/or honest things on my blog and the board of education would probably not be impressed with my ability to conjugate the word F*&K.  Since I have changed my career and am now a probationary teacher, keeping my location, real name and other identifying marks secret helps to keep any conflicts of interest at bay.  But since my loving fans (I love that you actually said you were a fan - thank you!!) have asked, I thought I would give you some fun facts about the Me that is Lisatastrophie:

#1:  I'm not a real blonde (Hell, I can't remember my real hair color because I have been playing bathroom chemist since I was in Jr. High).

#2:  I LOVE pageants.  I will sit and watch the Miss Who-the-hell-knows pageant just so I can see the crowning moment... and sit in my flannel jammies, eating Neapolitan ice cream while thinking "I got my ice cream and you can't have some.  Want a lick?  Psych."  (Word to Eddie Murphy)  

#3:  I have the "after-market" addition of two of the three components of the "Holy Trinity of Stupidity" - and I love them and don't care who knows that they are store bought.  Trust me, I actually celebrate the first day a guy had a conversation with my chest and not my face.

#4:  I love to scuba dive.  I swear it's the only way you can legally say to a guy "I'm going down" and not have him immediately get visions of porn in his head (those visions come about ten seconds later after he comprehends that you are going diving off the boat and not diving off his lap).

#5:  I don't really eat all the Ho-ho's and take all the xanax I say I do.  I would if I could, but my rear is already headed south for the winter and I can't afford the cost of that much xanax.  But until the day my butt stops growing and xanax becomes a non-scheduled drug, a girl can dream. 

#6:  I won't watch Survivor, The Amazing Race or any other reality t.v. show that has any socially redeeming value.  However; I will glue my big butt to the couch faster than a fat kid on a Ho-Ho when it comes time for a Rock of Love, Legally Blonde: Finding the Next Elle Woods, or any other train wreck "reality" show.  Especially when it's an all day "marathon" showing of the episodes.  Cause my IQ can't get low enough from all that peroxide alone.

Which brings us to #7:  I will kick you ever-lovin'-rear-end at Scene It, so don't even go there.  I can't remember all 50 states, but I can throw down on 6-degrees of Kevin Bacon like it's nobody's business.  I love movies and t.v.  I even watch the BAD BAD BAD movies.  You know, the ones where you walk out of the theater and realize that you will never have those 2 hours of your life back and you start praying to Gawd* for forgiveness at having wasted them foolishly.  I mean, whoever thought that Stripper Zombies actually NEEDED to get made... was wrong.  (*yes, I spell GOD, G-A-W-D cause I don't want to take His name and get in trouble.  I'm already in hot water for some other sh*t I've done and don't need to add to that mess.)

Some quickies:
I'm almost 40.  I have two sisters.  Three cats.  My Mom says I'm much nicer in person than I am on my blog.  My Dad won't comment.  My Aunt says I have a "peculiar" sense of humor.  And my friends are just hoping I don't end up teaching their kids.  

So now you have some fun facts about me.  Thank you to those of you who wrote to ask.  I promise I will start "revealing" more about me personally in future blogs.  I also promise to figure out how to do the tweeter thing everyone keeps telling me about.  I am soooooo not a computer person - which is completely ironic given that my last career was in...computer software.  :-0


the indefatigable mjenks said...

More revealing posts in the future? That's why you're an award-winner in my book!

Anonymous said...

I noticed you took the picture down! Fascinating tidbits of info! I think I tell too much about myself, but that's because I'm not working. Just wait until then!

DG said...

That was awesome! Thanks for sharing.

Been thinking about getting store bought versions myself. Only problem is the elevator headed south years ago, so I'd need a pick-me-up before purchasing. And I don't like scars. So, we'll see.

Vanessa said...

I love diving too! And you know what they say? Divers do it deeper! ;)

the indefatigable mjenks said...

As for having conversations with your chest and not your face...I know to whom I shall address all future correspondence at this point.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Mjenks- Yes, please direct all future conversations to either "The Twins" or "Poncho & Left-eye". They promise to hold your full attention :-)

DG - GO GET THEM GIRL!!! I love e'm. Have had more fun with them than I did the original issued ones. I'm not much on the scares either (that's the bummer part) but the return on the payment has been worth it.

Vanessa: Hehehee. That's the second reason I like diving - all the fun innuendoes you can make about it :-)

the indefatigable mjenks said...

Okay, so, for Left-Eye, is she like Left-Eye from TLC, and there's a line of eyeblack under her "eye" to highlight her name?

Abbie said...

I've always known that this blog is a facade. I know you are much nicer in person. lol AND you are too hard on yourself sometimes.

Okay now for my new comment.
Congratulations on the new job!!!!!! I'm so proud of you!!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Abbie - Hey girl! Thanks for the love. I haven't gotten a job yet, just the certification to teach. So at least I am one step closer.

Mjenks: Left-eye came from a small incident where a certain someone almost got an eye poked out. Details will not be divulged do to supreme embarrassment on my inability to harness the power of the twins (at that time).

the indefatigable mjenks said...

I can rest assured, now, that you only use them for good, justice, and the American Way?

RM said...

I don't even remember how I got to your blog the first time, but I've bookmarked you now. Hilarious stories, and I'm with mjenks: references to "the girls" will definitely keep me checking back.

Anonymous said...

You're wrong, my dear niece...contrary to belief, I do read your blog and I, knowing you as I do, really do enjoy it. You've come a long way, baby - Don't stop now! xoxo, your OTHER Aunt!!!

Anonymous said...

No offense to any of them that might read this, though it does appear from your blog that they won't - but your family needs to pull those fossilized corncobs out of their respective asses and get a sense of humor! You're not mean!! You're just putting in print what we're all thinking but too chicken to say out loud. Nothin' wrong with that in my book! But if they're not going to read it anyway, you may as well go ahead and tell the story (amazing but true) about a certain family member having to have a certain delicate piece of flesh sewn back on after a certain aggressive sex act!! Classic!!!!!