1. My new career.
2. I'm not very interesting on a day-to-day level. Who really wants to know that I walked out of a high paying sh*t job, changed careers where I am struggling to find an actual job, basically flat broke, knee deep in debt and have three cats? Seriously, now you know how pathetic I really am.
3. The FBI relocation program frowns on its participants giving away their secrets (just kidding).
The primary reason is that I tend to say some pretty mean and/or honest things on my blog and the board of education would probably not be impressed with my ability to conjugate the word F*&K. Since I have changed my career and am now a probationary teacher, keeping my location, real name and other identifying marks secret helps to keep any conflicts of interest at bay. But since my loving fans (I love that you actually said you were a fan - thank you!!) have asked, I thought I would give you some fun facts about the Me that is Lisatastrophie:
#1: I'm not a real blonde (Hell, I can't remember my real hair color because I have been playing bathroom chemist since I was in Jr. High).
#2: I LOVE pageants. I will sit and watch the Miss Who-the-hell-knows pageant just so I can see the crowning moment... and sit in my flannel jammies, eating Neapolitan ice cream while thinking "I got my ice cream and you can't have some. Want a lick? Psych." (Word to Eddie Murphy)
#3: I have the "after-market" addition of two of the three components of the "Holy Trinity of Stupidity" - and I love them and don't care who knows that they are store bought. Trust me, I actually celebrate the first day a guy had a conversation with my chest and not my face.
#4: I love to scuba dive. I swear it's the only way you can legally say to a guy "I'm going down" and not have him immediately get visions of porn in his head (those visions come about ten seconds later after he comprehends that you are going diving off the boat and not diving off his lap).
#5: I don't really eat all the Ho-ho's and take all the xanax I say I do. I would if I could, but my rear is already headed south for the winter and I can't afford the cost of that much xanax. But until the day my butt stops growing and xanax becomes a non-scheduled drug, a girl can dream.
#6: I won't watch Survivor, The Amazing Race or any other reality t.v. show that has any socially redeeming value. However; I will glue my big butt to the couch faster than a fat kid on a Ho-Ho when it comes time for a Rock of Love, Legally Blonde: Finding the Next Elle Woods, or any other train wreck "reality" show. Especially when it's an all day "marathon" showing of the episodes. Cause my IQ can't get low enough from all that peroxide alone.
Which brings us to #7: I will kick you ever-lovin'-rear-end at Scene It, so don't even go there. I can't remember all 50 states, but I can throw down on 6-degrees of Kevin Bacon like it's nobody's business. I love movies and t.v. I even watch the BAD BAD BAD movies. You know, the ones where you walk out of the theater and realize that you will never have those 2 hours of your life back and you start praying to Gawd* for forgiveness at having wasted them foolishly. I mean, whoever thought that Stripper Zombies actually NEEDED to get made... was wrong. (*yes, I spell GOD, G-A-W-D cause I don't want to take His name and get in trouble. I'm already in hot water for some other sh*t I've done and don't need to add to that mess.)
I'm almost 40. I have two sisters. Three cats. My Mom says I'm much nicer in person than I am on my blog. My Dad won't comment. My Aunt says I have a "peculiar" sense of humor. And my friends are just hoping I don't end up teaching their kids.
So now you have some fun facts about me. Thank you to those of you who wrote to ask. I promise I will start "revealing" more about me personally in future blogs. I also promise to figure out how to do the tweeter thing everyone keeps telling me about. I am soooooo not a computer person - which is completely ironic given that my last career was in...computer software. :-0