Saturday, July 19, 2008

Pole Position

The story is true, the names, dates, and personal information have been changed to protect my ass from getting hit by the real people involved. (Yes, once again I am writing a post where the names have been changed to prevent others from pointing and laughing.)

It was a dark and stormy night.... 
Well, I really don't know if it was dark and stormy, but it was late at night. Sorry, I always wanted to start a story that way.  This is the story of Guy and Girl. It's a cautionary tale of love, liquor and one person headed for a fall...

A couple of months ago, after a nice diner and a few glasses of wine (define few: more than one bottle but less than the entire Merlot section at the liquor store), Guy and Girl had decided that their romantic evening was going to end with a bang and headed to the bedroom to "retire" for the evening. Well, wouldn't you know it? A little wine, a little song selection from the ol' iPod, a little kissing and BAM!!! Down comes the do-it-yourself-at-home-imaginary-stripper pole right in the middle of the king sized bed. Warrent's "Cherry Pie" was wafting through the rafters.  Which BTW is the OFFICIAL song of strip clubs and hoochie-mamma-psuedo-strippers everywhere. Girl started doing her best imitation of Tawny Kitaen on a Jaguar. She had mastered all the required stripper moves while slithering seductively over the silky comforter, when it came time to do the often imitated and highly coveted "Hair-Flip-With-A-Smile". Now, don't be confused. This move has a 9.8 degree of difficulty and has been repeatedly been low-balled by the Russian Judge ever since that Olympic pair skating disaster in Salt Lake City '02.  Anyway, done right, this move can slay a man at 50 paces and remove more cash from his wallet than his sixteen year old at the mall with his credit card.

Back to the story.  Girl stared Guy straight in the eyes, she lowered her lids in the sultry bedroom come-hither seduction glance. She pouted her lips in her best Angelia Jolie pout and began the championship hair flip portion of the maneuver...

...And fell ass-backward off the bed!!!

5 comments:

Abbie said...

LMAO!!!!!
I guess you... I mean she needs more practice.

the indefatigable mjenks said...

Wow...the classic misdirection.

I like the title of the post. Very je ne sais quoi, but very amusing.

LarryLilly said...

Well, you didnt say "her" name was Grace!

I once did a complete roll off the bed in prone position landing on floor perfectly flat, like a bell flop, except it was my back.

The only thing it broke however was my concentration!

DG said...

Rather than "Cherry Pie" perhaps the late 80s classic heart-wrenching ballad "Headed for a Heartbreak", by the fabulously-follicled Winger would have been more appropos?

Just guessing. And yes. Yes, that song is totally on my i-pod.

Watch the musical genius unfold!

clh_95 said...

I have not read your blog in awhile, so I was doing some catching up and this story sounds vaguely familiar!