Sunday, January 27, 2008

Seriously Nuts!!!

Disclaimer:  Events in this blog occurred over a year ago.  
I now know that Veterinary R&D in this country must be a male run industry, because if there had been a female involved in the decision making of whether or not this was a IMPORTANT medical break through, it would not have been at the top of the list. 

My eldest cat, Bud E. Phat (a.k.a. Buddy, Phat-ass, and now Toothless) had been listless and not very cat-like for a while before I decided to take him to the vet.  I thought he would need a shot, maybe some kitty-prozac, or a little one-on-one time with the cute vet tech he likes so much. Instead I walked out of the vet's office with a diagnosis of Feline Oral Resorptive Lesions.   Which is vet Latin for "this is going to cost you ALOT of money".  To the tune of almost a thousand dollars - ALOT.  This nice little vet visit was going to require the vet to yank out all of Buddy's teeth.  Now before everyone goes all ape-shit-nuts and tells me all sorts of opinions about Bud being a cat & that a thousand dollars is a lot of money to pay for a cat; here's my piece.  First, I do not have (or want) children.  So my pets are semi-surrogates for any maternal instinct that may be lurking around in my body.  Second, when I adopted my pets I made a promise to take care of them to the best of my abilities and to chose the quality of their life if I ever was faced with that decision.  No, I didn't sign any piece of paper or place my hand on my heart and make some solemn pledge; it was just a give for me.  The vet informed me that Buddy could live a long healthy and happy life without teeth.  Did you know a cat's top & bottom palates are hard enough to crush food (without teeth)?  Me either, but Bud is now living the high-life eating his body weight in Fancy Feast, so I think any mice in the vicinity are safe from a hard palate crushing.

While Buddy was at the vet having all of his teeth removed, I was searching the internet for information on dental replacements for cats.  Guess what?  They don't make kitty dentures or implants to replace pulled teeth.  Apparently eating is not important enough to be at the top of the R&D list for Vet medicine.  They DO however make NEUTICLES!!!!   ( Silicone Testicular Replacements for your canine and feline companions.  "Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering"* direct quote from their web-site.  I almost peed my pants laughing when I read that.  Seriously?!  Who know that my cat's self esteem was lacking because he had been clipped?  All these years I thought his self-esteem was shot was because I put stupid Santa hats on him and made him go with me to PetSmart for our yearly Christmas picture.  Or because his cat bed is pink with pink fur trim.  As for the trauma associated with neutering.... My cat was so high when he came home from getting clipped that I swear he was chasing pink mice across the room for days.  Yeah, no trauma there.  

Anyway, Neuticles come in eight sizes from XX-small to XX-Large.  So if your Chihuahua wasn't packing the heat before you got him snipped now is your time to make right by mother nature and give Chi-chi the huevos of a Rottwieller.  Keep Booser banging with the rest of the pack with no one the wiser when the neighborhood dogs engage in some good old fashion butt-sniffing greetings in the doggie park.  Help Alfie retain his Alpha-dog status with a nice natural feeling pair of Neuticles.... available in both the rigid and soft silicone models.  Oh I have got to stop, because this is just too good to work with and I will be laughing my balls off way into 2009 if I don't end it here.  Oh but wait, If the Neuticals are not enough for your pet you can help him overcome his "little" problem with Boneral (
Because the makers of Veterinary medical advancements don't think that eating is the important thing in a pet's life:  But hanging with the Big Dogs is.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

The Kindness of Strangers

Last Monday I was sitting in my favorite little French cafe........
OK, it's really La Madeline and it's down the block, but since I am in denial about so many other things right now let's just add this to the list.  Anyway, I had my lunch and was sitting at a small table directly across from an elderly gentleman also sitting alone.  We sat in silence across from one another; neither one of us paying particular attention to anyone or anything around us.  And other than to node briefly in acknowledgment to him, we did not interact. I had just finished my soup (La Mad's has the BEST tomato basil soup by the way), when he got up from his table to leave.  He quietly walked over to me and said " Please don't be afraid.  I am not a dirty old man or anything like that, but I wanted to tell you how pretty you are and what impeccable manners you have.  It has been a pleasure to sit across from you during my lunch".  OK, before you think that I am an egotistical narcissistic snot who wants to tell the world how pretty she is, that is not the point of this story.  I'm not and don't think I am.  So read on.
Before I could say anything in response he walked out the side door and I was left staring into the space where he had stood.  I was totally taken back by how sweet this man had been to someone he did not know and knew nothing about.  And how he had managed to save my entire day with just a kind phrase.
You see, Monday had been an incredibly bad day for me.  (I am currently going through a rather not-so-pleasant moment in life and have been rather low.)  I had received yet another rather depressing round of "thank you for applying but we are going with a more qualified candidate" letters, was rejected for a job at Starbucks (seriously!!) and lost my favorite sweater in a horrible washing machine accident that is still too painful to talk about.  I had gone to La Madeline's in an attempt to feel somewhat normal again.  Outside of the waiter taking my order at the lunch counter, no one had spoken to me all day.  This gentleman knew nothing about me or what has been going on in my life; yet he took a small moment to stop and say something pleasant.  For all the kevtching I do and all the negative attitude I throw around, he reminded me of one thing that I had read years ago:
That People Really Are Good At Heart

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Welcome To MY Neighborhood

When I first graduated from college, I lived in a studio apt for about a year.  In the 12 months I lived there the people directly below me were dealing pot out of their window.  Yep, it was a regular walk-up McWeed's.  I actually sat there one night and watched them as they nickel and dime-bagged their way to rent money.  After they were arrested and evicted, the next tenet was just as interesting.  She ran an Amsterdam-inspired peep-show window complete with red curtains and a bell.  I don't know how she rigged it, but bless her heart she re-wired something to get that bell to ring.  The kids in the complex LOVED her and I am fairly certain that a few of them learned more about the birds & the bees from her than the sex ed they were taught in school.  I moved as soon as my lease was up.  I stood in the parking lot doing my best Scarlett O'Hara fist in the air pose and vowed as GAWD as my witness never to live in anything that did not say "LUXURY apartments" again.  (I am not a home owner type person.  Too much of a commitment and I can't even commit to a hair color longer than a year.  And if something breaks I want someone to fix it NOW and I not have to pay for it.)
Which I do and was happy with my communal living right up until the day K-Fed Wanna Be moved in next door.... Loud music, raunchy sounds, late night escapades in the parking lot were just some of the joys he brought to the neighborhood.  I put up with his antics for about three months until the lack of sleep finally caused me to break.  So if you can't beat them, join them and I began my own version of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". Every time he played some rap song that has more curse words than a sailor on a 6 month sea tour; I played ABBA/WHAM/The Go-Go's... He had "relations" with his girlfriend-du-jour; I banged my chair against the wall and yell "oh spank me big daddy" through a megaphone. He'd smoke pot on his patio and I'd call the cops....right after leaving a bag of cat-nip on his front door mat.  (Which really pissed my cats off because that was their dime bag of fun I was throwing away.) He'd have a late night party, I played old Pat Roberts religious videos at 6 am the next day (with the TV volume on high and right next to his wall).  A few days ago my land lord asked me what I had done. Apparently K-Fed Wanna Be is breaking his lease because the "crazy b*tch" next door was "cramping his style". 
Welcome to MY neighborhood :-)

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thank You Easter Bunny!! Bock Bock

Ode to the favorite cadbury commercial of all times

Now before everyone goes off hating me after my last blog and thinks that I am a complete waste of carbon life for my pettiness; I would like to say a few thank yous.

Thank you to everyone who has read my blogs and has given me such wonderful and positive feedback. I am even more thankful that you all figured out how to use the comment section of the use it!!

Thank you Mom & WB for moving to THE DIVING SPOT of the world just so that I would have a place to stay when I go diving. I can't tell you how thankful I am that you did that!! I don't know of many parents who would sacrifice their retirement just so their scuba-diving-daughter could endlessly dive Bonaire.....Oh, and I will see you next month. And no I am not smuggling in my body's weight in banana pudding mix again. That full body cavity check they did at customs last time still gives me nightmares.

Thank you Doodle for your never ending attempts to instill that Home Depot gene in me. Gawd bless you for trying, but even Napoleon knew when he had met his Waterloo. Plus, I keep checking and Home Depot does not sell least not ones that come in one piece

To the SPIKE and TNT TV stations. Thank you for never yielding in your showing of the Law & Order and CSI episodes. Thanks to you I now know everything I need to know if I ever want to "off" someone and get away with it. To everyone else: I am making a list....

It is because of you Dad that I can kick @$$ on Jeopardy in the "Useless Knowledge for 1000" category! I totally love that I know that Hesephut was the only woman to rule Egypt as Pharaoh and that a polar bear's hair is really transparent. It's the cool stuff that makes the day more interesting. Now if I could have only gotten your singing voice.......Oh and I am really really happy that CL got your nails and not me.

Thank you Major Stud for coming back alive and in one piece. I would have had to killed you if you hadn't, so that save us both some bad karma and me from having to wear really awful orange jumpsuits for the rest of my life. And you know orange is not my color.

To my friends who have put up with my special brand of ....uuummmm well, looking at things. Thank you for putting up with me over the years. WeeBee, for knowing more about me than a person should ever have to know (without alcohol) and still liking me. AW for being my surrogate therapist at times. AM for keeping me honest one night a week....Are you in or are you out? KK- GO team KK!! Cause everyone buddy needs a dive buddy who is more insane about diving than they are. DS for being me surrogate Mom and "tell it like it is" girl.

Ok I have to stop because all this niceness is making my head hurt and I have a rep to protect. So I will be back to my usual ranting and raving on the next post. Damn, this must be PMS or old age or something, cause I know I am not this nice!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

On-Line Bill Pain

I am a semi-rational, responsible, mature adult. Like anyone over the age of 15, I have bills to pay. And like most people I have become selectively cheap. I will spend $30 on a tube of lipstick at Nordstrom's, but I won't spend 41 cents on a freaking stamp to pay my bills. So I use my bank's on-line bill pay because GAWD knows, I can use that 41 cents towards another tube of lipstick.

Three months ago I sat at my desk engaging in that All-American sadomasochistic ritual called the "paying of the monthly bills". Actually it's more like a big reality pimp slap I get from my check book. I pretend I have money and my check book has to have a "little" discussion with me about my denial issues. It's kind of like shock therapy only without the fun or electricity.

Here I was doing what I do every month and paying my bills through Bank of Asshat's on-line bill pay. I entered about four bills, selected the correct days to pay them and click submit. I usually chose to have the payment date one or two days before the bill is due because I like to see the BIG balance in my checkbook right up until the last possible minute. In a sick way it is like the death row inmate waiting for that last minute pardon he knows isn't coming but he keeps hoping the warden forgot to pay the electric bill anyway. When all is submitted, I write the confirmation numbers down, close my checkbook and forget about the whole horrible ordeal until next month's how-the-hell-am-I-going-to-pay-this-bill-pay-play-date.

The next month comes and...wait for it people.....One of my bills is overdue!!! Now I am not a total idiot. I've seen Sue Orman. I know my life hangs by the thread of my FICO score and I am soooooo not going to screw that puppy up by paying a bill late or not paying it at all. Hell you can be a Buggering Nazi and if your FICO score is high, you can buy the house next to Donald Trump and no one would say a word. But show up at the PTA meeting with a low score and you might as well have on a bright neon yellow T-shirt that says "I'm-a-buggering-nazi-who-has-a-low-FICO-Score"...and you know they will talk about how bad your credit is and not how you picked the wrong national-socialist party.

I call Bank of Asshat's 1-800-number and punch my way through recorded voice mail box system. (The buttons on my crackberry have to be replaced because I can't push "0" anymore without hearing a cry for mercy.) Now the world knows that nothing good has ever come of me calling a company customer service department, but this call was mildly OK. After ten minutes on the phone with what I thought was a very painless conversation, we discover there was a glitch in THEIR system that caused the bill payment not to schedule. They refund the late fee. I pay the new amount due in order to ensure the account is in good standing (AFTER verifying with the account rep THREE times). Annie's your aunt. Frannie's your Uncle and everyone sleeps well at night.......

Imagine my surprise last month when I open my bills to discover that the same bill is again overdue!!! WTF PEOPLE!?!? I paid this bill. I paid the amount YOU said was due. I thought we were cool. No harm. No foul. But NOOOOOOO.....
I call the bank again. Thirty minutes, three people latter, two xanax, another Ho-Ho and a ton of money I did NOT want to pay all at once, the account is taken care of and I am face first into my third Ho-Ho. (Special Thank you to the makers of those wonderful life saving pieces of heaven........Oh, you thought I was going to say Pfizer. :-) My thanks goes to Hostess: The fine makers of Ho-Ho's.)

Then I get an e-mail from the bank:

Dear Lisa-tastrophies:
Thank you for contacting....blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, "We recommend selecting a "Deliver By" date of or prior to the actual due date reflected on your statement or e-Bill." I don't remember what the rest said. I was screaming too loudly to read clearly and my neighbors were busy dialing 9-1-1 because they thought someone was playing CSI-The Home Game.

Holy crap get me a xanax and pass the Ho-Hos! REALLY!?? You're suggesting that I pay my bills on time? Suggesting that I pick a date of payment on or before the due date....WOW!! What responsible bill paying adult would have thought of that? Cause GAWD knows, my blond-headed-big-boobed-self would have NEVER put two and two together to come up with that bright least not without getting a serious migraine first. Are you planning on letting the rest of the world in on this or is it going to be our "little secret"? Thank you Bank of Asshat for patronizing me. I really appreciate it.

Which is what I wrote in my e-mail back to them. Along with the link to Merriam-Webster on-line and a suggestion that they look up the definitions of Patronize and Patronized.