Sunday, January 27, 2008

Seriously Nuts!!!

Disclaimer:  Events in this blog occurred over a year ago.  
I now know that Veterinary R&D in this country must be a male run industry, because if there had been a female involved in the decision making of whether or not this was a IMPORTANT medical break through, it would not have been at the top of the list. 

My eldest cat, Bud E. Phat (a.k.a. Buddy, Phat-ass, and now Toothless) had been listless and not very cat-like for a while before I decided to take him to the vet.  I thought he would need a shot, maybe some kitty-prozac, or a little one-on-one time with the cute vet tech he likes so much. Instead I walked out of the vet's office with a diagnosis of Feline Oral Resorptive Lesions.   Which is vet Latin for "this is going to cost you ALOT of money".  To the tune of almost a thousand dollars - ALOT.  This nice little vet visit was going to require the vet to yank out all of Buddy's teeth.  Now before everyone goes all ape-shit-nuts and tells me all sorts of opinions about Bud being a cat & that a thousand dollars is a lot of money to pay for a cat; here's my piece.  First, I do not have (or want) children.  So my pets are semi-surrogates for any maternal instinct that may be lurking around in my body.  Second, when I adopted my pets I made a promise to take care of them to the best of my abilities and to chose the quality of their life if I ever was faced with that decision.  No, I didn't sign any piece of paper or place my hand on my heart and make some solemn pledge; it was just a give for me.  The vet informed me that Buddy could live a long healthy and happy life without teeth.  Did you know a cat's top & bottom palates are hard enough to crush food (without teeth)?  Me either, but Bud is now living the high-life eating his body weight in Fancy Feast, so I think any mice in the vicinity are safe from a hard palate crushing.

While Buddy was at the vet having all of his teeth removed, I was searching the internet for information on dental replacements for cats.  Guess what?  They don't make kitty dentures or implants to replace pulled teeth.  Apparently eating is not important enough to be at the top of the R&D list for Vet medicine.  They DO however make NEUTICLES!!!!   ( Silicone Testicular Replacements for your canine and feline companions.  "Neuticles allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering"* direct quote from their web-site.  I almost peed my pants laughing when I read that.  Seriously?!  Who know that my cat's self esteem was lacking because he had been clipped?  All these years I thought his self-esteem was shot was because I put stupid Santa hats on him and made him go with me to PetSmart for our yearly Christmas picture.  Or because his cat bed is pink with pink fur trim.  As for the trauma associated with neutering.... My cat was so high when he came home from getting clipped that I swear he was chasing pink mice across the room for days.  Yeah, no trauma there.  

Anyway, Neuticles come in eight sizes from XX-small to XX-Large.  So if your Chihuahua wasn't packing the heat before you got him snipped now is your time to make right by mother nature and give Chi-chi the huevos of a Rottwieller.  Keep Booser banging with the rest of the pack with no one the wiser when the neighborhood dogs engage in some good old fashion butt-sniffing greetings in the doggie park.  Help Alfie retain his Alpha-dog status with a nice natural feeling pair of Neuticles.... available in both the rigid and soft silicone models.  Oh I have got to stop, because this is just too good to work with and I will be laughing my balls off way into 2009 if I don't end it here.  Oh but wait, If the Neuticals are not enough for your pet you can help him overcome his "little" problem with Boneral (
Because the makers of Veterinary medical advancements don't think that eating is the important thing in a pet's life:  But hanging with the Big Dogs is.


Anonymous said...

laughing. really laughing at this one. OMG this is funny.

Anonymous said...

Now since you told him about them, Binky wants a pair really bad and won't stop barking about it. I finally just had to tape two cottonballs to him to make him stop. He was 6 months when I did it, he won't remember the difference :o)

Vanessa said...

LMAO I had no idea! I would say what will they come up with next, but I'm scared to find out.

Also? I have no qualms spending money on my kids (pets) health. Like you I have no desire for children and they get all my mothering instincts lavished on them. My precious Makenzie was 8 and diagnosed with kidney failure. I spent $7000 trying to save her. They refused dialysis, but we did everything else we could for her. In the end we lost her Thanksgiving Day 2006. If I had it to do over again, the only thing I would change was trying to do more for her.

Melissa said...

Yup, that sounds like classic medical logic to me ;)

Anonymous said...

You should write for Maxim or Stuff or something like that. Or maybe the Onion. Have you ever read there articles?

We have Dog Nuts said...

My husband insisted we get these for our cocker-spaniel. I can't believe we spent a car payment on dog nuts, but my husband was so proud he carried the dog around with the dogs out in front for a week!!!
Thanks for putting it in perspective

Abbie said...

OMIGAWD! I'm this close to peeing my pants!!!