Sunday, February 3, 2008

The Ex-Files

I ran into one of my Ex's the other day at Starbucks.  I was standing in line waiting for my usual (Venti White Chocolate Mocha with four sweet & lows and extra whip) when I heard a voice.  GOD?  Is that You?  No, it was an-Ex.  Not just any EX.  But one I had really really liked.  Thank GAWD that I was actually having a semi-decent hair day and had managed to put on more than the Geranimals version of sweats and jeans.  Nothing sucks worse than running into Ex when you look like shit, don't have your act together and you hair looks like its seen the inside of a high velocity wind tunnel.  We talked for about twenty minutes before Ex made a comment regarding my usage of this particular Starbucks.  I can't remember word-for-word, but the gist was that he wanted to know how often I was there and when I was there... Then he insinuated that I "try the Starbucks" at the corner of X and Y.  Dude!!  I have lived here for three years.  You just moved here.  I have a special relationship with my barista and she knows how to make my White Mochas just the way I like them.  You do not get custody of Starbucks. Deal with it and deal with the fact that I am SOOOOO over you.  Move on.  I did.

Anyway, all of this got me to thinking about Ex's and that there are rules to being my Ex (OK, these aren't hard and fast rules, they should be).  
The number one rule is that you can not look better now than when we were dating.  In no way are you to:
A. Lose weight and find some muscles.  If anything, you were supposed to gain weight from all the comfort food you consumed while pining away for my return.
B. Find a sense of fashion - if you couldn't dress yourself when we were dating, don't figure it out now.  And if this is the after-effect of a recent or current girlfriend, just lie to me and tell me you won a make over on What Not To Wear and normally look like the crap dresser I remember.
C. Get contacts, lasiks or a really cool pair of glasses.  I don't need you to see that my hair is "lighter" and that my rear now comes with it's own zip code.

The second rule was that you were supposed to go through a mourning phase.  This phase is directly proportional to the time we "dated".  I don't need to know that you ran out and met Buffy-the-Wonder-Babe five days after we were through.  At least pretended that you were heartbroken about my absence even if you were the one who chose to make me absent.  This period of mourning should include endless obsessing over "us", the "relationship" and "was it your fault".  Preferably done in conjunction with you gaining about 10 pounds.  

Side note guys.  Drop the "We can still be friends" bullshit.  What that really means is that you will be cordial if forced to interact with your ex in a public environment, but you want absolutely nothing to do with her in any way, shape or form otherwise.  We know this and quite frankly 9 times out of 10 don't want to be your "friend" or "friend-with-benefits".  Get over it, we don't need to hear that crap.  We move on.  And in the rare occasion that we did truly GET OVER YOU or were JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU to begin with and want to JUST BE FRIENDS with you; you do not have the right to think we are psycho when we ask you to the movies because we are bored and want to go.  Trust me you were the LAST person we called to go to the movie. 
P.s. YOU brought it when you said "we could still be friends".  Think about it...

Last but most important rule of all.  Even if you happened to be THE ONE who got away... Please remember that while I probably spent a great deal of time driving a 16-penny nail through a voodoo doll with your name on it, I really don't wish you any ill-will.  So don't act like a freak-a-zoid if you happen to run into me in a public place.  Say hello and go on your way. God knows I already have.


Vanessa said...

Sounds like you handled it like a champ! Ex's can be a sticky situation and like you said, just move on. Also? What ever you do? DO NOT give up the Starbucks!

Sleepy Jean said...

No Shit. Men are complete egomaniacs. Good rules.

Anonymous said...

No Kidding. Hang on to the Starbucks! Don't give in. Be Strong Sister!!

clh_95 said...

ALL Starbucks belong to us women!! And ALL men should memorize those rules!

Jim A said...

Ok, read it and...well...sounds good to me. Rules to Live By...always a good reminder. I hope you enjoyed the starbucks concoction after that meeting.

Mom said...

Men really are clueless! Although I never had "boys" I don't understand their mothers for they are the ones who had the opportunities to shape them as youths. (There are of coarse the rare excepts). Starbucks really belongs to the women of the world who can handle it.

The EX said...

I was not insinuating that you need to go to another starbucks. It was a surprise running into you again after all this time. Really is a small world.
P.S. you looked great

Abbie said...

lol, this is the most hilarious post i've read all day.