Anyway, all of this got me to thinking about Ex's and that there are rules to being my Ex (OK, these aren't hard and fast rules, they should be).
The number one rule is that you can not look better now than when we were dating. In no way are you to:
A. Lose weight and find some muscles. If anything, you were supposed to gain weight from all the comfort food you consumed while pining away for my return.
B. Find a sense of fashion - if you couldn't dress yourself when we were dating, don't figure it out now. And if this is the after-effect of a recent or current girlfriend, just lie to me and tell me you won a make over on What Not To Wear and normally look like the crap dresser I remember.
C. Get contacts, lasiks or a really cool pair of glasses. I don't need you to see that my hair is "lighter" and that my rear now comes with it's own zip code.
The second rule was that you were supposed to go through a mourning phase. This phase is directly proportional to the time we "dated". I don't need to know that you ran out and met Buffy-the-Wonder-Babe five days after we were through. At least pretended that you were heartbroken about my absence even if you were the one who chose to make me absent. This period of mourning should include endless obsessing over "us", the "relationship" and "was it your fault". Preferably done in conjunction with you gaining about 10 pounds.
Side note guys. Drop the "We can still be friends" bullshit. What that really means is that you will be cordial if forced to interact with your ex in a public environment, but you want absolutely nothing to do with her in any way, shape or form otherwise. We know this and quite frankly 9 times out of 10 don't want to be your "friend" or "friend-with-benefits". Get over it, we don't need to hear that crap. We move on. And in the rare occasion that we did truly GET OVER YOU or were JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU to begin with and want to JUST BE FRIENDS with you; you do not have the right to think we are psycho when we ask you to the movies because we are bored and want to go. Trust me you were the LAST person we called to go to the movie.
P.s. YOU brought it when you said "we could still be friends". Think about it...
Last but most important rule of all. Even if you happened to be THE ONE who got away... Please remember that while I probably spent a great deal of time driving a 16-penny nail through a voodoo doll with your name on it, I really don't wish you any ill-will. So don't act like a freak-a-zoid if you happen to run into me in a public place. Say hello and go on your way. God knows I already have.