Thursday, January 17, 2008

Welcome To MY Neighborhood

When I first graduated from college, I lived in a studio apt for about a year.  In the 12 months I lived there the people directly below me were dealing pot out of their window.  Yep, it was a regular walk-up McWeed's.  I actually sat there one night and watched them as they nickel and dime-bagged their way to rent money.  After they were arrested and evicted, the next tenet was just as interesting.  She ran an Amsterdam-inspired peep-show window complete with red curtains and a bell.  I don't know how she rigged it, but bless her heart she re-wired something to get that bell to ring.  The kids in the complex LOVED her and I am fairly certain that a few of them learned more about the birds & the bees from her than the sex ed they were taught in school.  I moved as soon as my lease was up.  I stood in the parking lot doing my best Scarlett O'Hara fist in the air pose and vowed as GAWD as my witness never to live in anything that did not say "LUXURY apartments" again.  (I am not a home owner type person.  Too much of a commitment and I can't even commit to a hair color longer than a year.  And if something breaks I want someone to fix it NOW and I not have to pay for it.)
Which I do and was happy with my communal living right up until the day K-Fed Wanna Be moved in next door.... Loud music, raunchy sounds, late night escapades in the parking lot were just some of the joys he brought to the neighborhood.  I put up with his antics for about three months until the lack of sleep finally caused me to break.  So if you can't beat them, join them and I began my own version of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". Every time he played some rap song that has more curse words than a sailor on a 6 month sea tour; I played ABBA/WHAM/The Go-Go's... He had "relations" with his girlfriend-du-jour; I banged my chair against the wall and yell "oh spank me big daddy" through a megaphone. He'd smoke pot on his patio and I'd call the cops....right after leaving a bag of cat-nip on his front door mat.  (Which really pissed my cats off because that was their dime bag of fun I was throwing away.) He'd have a late night party, I played old Pat Roberts religious videos at 6 am the next day (with the TV volume on high and right next to his wall).  A few days ago my land lord asked me what I had done. Apparently K-Fed Wanna Be is breaking his lease because the "crazy b*tch" next door was "cramping his style". 
Welcome to MY neighborhood :-)

6 comments:

clh_95 said...

Don't you mean "welcome to your 'hood?"!!! But wait...one day you too will have a neighbor that parks a rust colored windstream in his front lawn and says "He's making a point against the man!"

Vanessa said...

I lived in a building in downtown Seattle that was remarkably like what you describe here~ were you my neighbor and I didn't know it? ;)

Mom said...

This is your mother and I still worry about you. I know is you look deep down inside of you you'll find that Home Depot gene because your father & I both have it so recessive/dominate either way you got it. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Seems oddly like something I read in one of Jen's books???

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Response to Anonymous....
NO IT WAS NOT IN JEN'S BOOK. I did post a watered- down version of this blog on her web-site in response to a post of her's about her neighbors moving out.
Jen's blog was called "The Final Chapter" on her website. I had so much fun posting the response to her blog that I wrote it up further for my website!!

Abbie said...

LMAO! That's it. Nothing more.