Monday, April 21, 2008

Got Nuts?

Hey Mister, got some nuts?

This piece of trivia is brought to you by my sister.  (She says her husband told her this and is passing the buck of responsibility on to him.)  So blame it, it's accuracy, and the fact that you are never going to look at another squirrel in the same way again on her.  I am taking no responsibility here what-so-ever; not even for the fact that I am passing this juicy tid bit of info on to everyone or the fact that you will be haunted by this knowledge and just HAVE to pass it on to everyone you know. Read it at your own discretion.

Somebody, somewhere apparently didn't have enough work to do one day or maybe was inspired by the statistics on Barbie and what she would look like if she was to be inflated into "real life" size, because he/she sat down and figured this out. (Personally, my hat is off to the person who could waste THIS much time at work and not get nailed for it because the most I ever got away with was sending personal e-mails and shopping for clothes at Victoria's Secret while not letting my Nazi boss see me.) If you took the average, common gray squirrel and "blew" him up to be the size of an average common man... Apparently you would have the world's best "hung" mammal.  Because the average common gray squirrel's nuts would no longer be "average".  They would each be the size of a Goodyear tire! No I have no idea what make and model tire so don't ask. At this point it would be mute, because no one I know wants anything with Goodyear written across it coming at them with any amount of force.

Which means Mr. Squirrel is the Sciurus carolinensis equivalent of John Holmes in the balls department and I now have a strange fascination with "checking out" my local flying rodent neighbors. It's sick people.  Really.  I sit and wait for them to bend over to pick up an acorn or something. Hell, I have even tried dropping a few sunflower seeds just to see what was under that bushy tail a time or two. I think the park rangers are convinced that I have lost it and that I am trying to make my own squirrel fur coat or that crazy lady must REALLY like squirrels. Either way, they watch me very closely now. 

If you think I am the twisted sister on this one; just you wait. You are squirrel-nut infected now. The next time Mr. Holy-Crap-Where-Did-You-Get-Those-Bad-Boys comes scampering across your lawn; you'll be checkin' him out as well, so don't say I didn't warn you. Feel free to blame this one on my sister.  

9 comments:

Abbie said...

lol, sure you heard this from your sister, who heard it from her husband, who heard it from his cousin's son's brother's father...sure Lisa! We believe you.

the incomparable mjenks said...

The human penis is also the only mammalian penis that doesn't have a bone in it to ensure erectivity.

I'm not going to worry too much over this one. Unless the squirrel people take over. Then I for one shall welcome our new massively testicular overlords.

C said...

Anything with balls that big would have something nearly more fun between them - it could be a goodyear.

Amy said...

Hamsters suffer from this affliction as well. Crazy rodents!

clh_95 said...

you can actually see them better when they stand upright (rather than bent over!)

PrincessB said...

AHHAHAHAHAHA!You crack me up! Love it!

Trish Ryan said...

I already have issues with the squirrel who has taken up residence on our yard/porch/rooftop. I so do not want to know about the size of his nutz!!!!

DG said...

I just spewed Diet Coke on my computer monitor.

Omigod. And here I thought they were just glorified rats.

Wait a minute. I guar-damn-tee ya they WOULD be rats with balls that size, were they human.

Meh. Men.

Vanessa said...

First, totally LOVE the make over! Your place looks fabulous!

Second, if you want great squirrel watching, come up to Dallas for a visit. My backyard seems to be prime territory for the little rodents!