Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Gratuitous IRS Tax Post

You knew it was coming.  I couldn't let Tax Day (or as I like to call it The Thank-You-For-Working-Your-Ass-Off-But-We'll-Be-Taking-That-Money-Now Day) pass by without some sort of yipping. Especially since I am fairly certain I screwed the pooch by doing my taxes with Turbo Tax instead of going to a CPA.  I'm really not 100% sure that a massage therapist is what Turbo Tax meant when they asked me for any money paid for "medical or therapist" visits, but until I'm told otherwise ~ it's deducted.  And I don't know what the hell the big deal is about owning a home!  So what, you pay property tax?  Big deal!  So do I.  I just happen to do it with my rent; to a management company; who pays it to the owner; who holds the mortgage on the property and pays the tax for a whole lot of people all at once.  Geeeesh!  I do however, want to thank Sallie Mae for once again this year allowing me to deduct what amounts to the cost of a lower-end BMW in student loan interest payments. (Bitch ~ I hate that woman!!)  I am still trying to get the cats social security numbers so I can claim them as dependents.  
Back to the giant @$$ screwing that the government loves to give us every year.  Did you know the IRS is one of the few agency that can come after you even if you are dead? REALLY!  I mean, you can kill people, take all their money, eat their food and the state can only execute you once. The IRS however can go to your grave, yank out your gold fillings, harvest your organs for resale on the black market and then pimp slap your kids for any money they might have gotten from you in allowance back in 1995 (plus interest).  Literally they can squeeze blood from a bone!!!  GAWD forbid you owe the evil little bastards money while you are still alive.  I think the chain gangs in Alabama get more clemency than a person who owes money to the IRS.  They can garnish your wages, take your home, boat, car, dog, cat and I thought I heard something about them taking your first born male child but that might have been the Pharaohs. I get confused.

Now I have to wait for my refund.  Which means Uncle Sam is collecting interest on MY money somewhere in the giant IRS we-got-your-money-and-we-ain't-gonna-give-it-back-until-the-LAST-bloody-second bank.  Of course, you know I have already spent it.  That money was spent the minute Turbo Tax said "Cha-Ching, you are getting a refund".  It said "refund" and I said "Hello, Benjamin!!  Come to Mama!  Teacher needs a new pair of shoes".  BTW they do NOT make oh-so-cut-teacher kitten heels that are comfortable AND fashionable which is one of the reasons why teachers are always so pissy by the end of the day. So if anyone is looking for a great way to make some big bucks... Bring on the fashion ~ teacher style.  But I digress.

So, on this great day of giving (you only thought it was Thanksgiving?), here's to us.  The paying, the poor, the screwed royally by the government we treasure.  And here's to that Uncle everyone has (you know the one you won't leave alone with the young kids for "special" reasons) for showing us the love.  HAPPY TAX DAY!!

P.s. I'm BAAAAAAACCCKK ~ the bitchy, inner diva, karma kicking Lisa-tastrophie has returned!!


Vanessa said...

I owed this year. SUCK! And I paid a CPA to do it to be sure it was right, so really I feel like I paid twice!

LarryLilly said...

I refuse to have more taken out than I need. I want to always pay them.

My sister works for the IRS in the audit department. I tell my friends that she is a piano player in a whore house, but then they know that she works for the IRS.

Oh well, I have been known to over deduct, thank heavens she lives in Mass, and I am here in Tex-ass..


the incomparable mjenks said...

I thought teachers were pissy because the kids made them come in early for extra guidance and clarification and forced the teachers to skip aromatherapy. Huh.

You know, in Sweden, the students grade the teachers.

clh_95 said...

Two words- FairTax!!! It would completely ABOLISH the need for the IRS!!! www.fairtax.org
PS-This is not open for discussion to others. I've done a lot of research and what 2-cents you want to tell me, I already know and you will not change my mind.

clh_95 said...

Wow, re-reading my post makes me wonder is some of Lisa's "bitchiness" has rubbed off?!?!? We are sisters!

Abbie said...

lol, you've just reminded me to get my state taxes done. I used H&R block, the thing said I was getting $52 back, but they wanted to charge my $29.99 for filing.

...so I logged out.

Abbie said...

Ps: I feel like family, my love for you is unconditional. Bitchiness or not.

DG said...

I am so glad you are back and bitching! HOORAY!

I think the IRS should die a gruesome, bloody death.

And on that note, I tagged you for a photo meme thingy! Check it out, yo!


By the way, if I still lived in TX you would totally be one of my margarita girlfriends. We'd be slugging alcohol and livin' it up.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Abbie - You go girl!! You are my new computer -relations family. SO does that make us MAC cousins or PC cousins ???

DG - You say the sweetest things! Hell yes, I'd be drinking the tequila sweetness right there with you.

MJenks - if the kids here could spell a coherent sentence that would be awesome and let them review us. BUt from what I have seen, that is asking a LOT!!!

Anonymous said...

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