Saturday, January 17, 2009

What Did You Say??

This is a re-enactment of a conversation that I had with my younger sister (YS). The following is the conversation as I heard it in my mind and may or may not be how it really happened. But this version is funner:

Ring Ring

ME: Hello?

YS: (very loudly and in an exceited tone) I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEE COOOOAAAAWWWKKKKK!!!!!

ME: (Holy sweet mother of pearl, what did she say?) WHAT?!?!?!?

YS: (again in said loud excited voice) I LOOOVVVEEE CC-AA-WWW-KKK

ME: What the ever-loving hell are you talking about?
(I am now standing in the cat food isle of Wal-Mart and can no longer concentrate on the decision between Fancy Feast and Special Kitty brand cat foods. Somehow words that sound like porn movie lines tend to do that to me. Go figure.)

YS: (speaking at a rapid fire rate and in a loud voice) It’s great! And it comes in all sizes and colors. And I have been sticking it in every hole I could find. It's fixed everything. Dad says he uses his all the time...

ME: SSSHHHHUUUUUTTTT UUUUPPPPP!!!!! At this point I had to interrupt her because what I was hearing sounded like something that was going to send me into therapy for a very, very long time. Seriously, I do not need to know anything in the remotely porn-like-information department from any of my family members. It's bad enought that I have made secret agent trips to the Wall-O-Vibraters* for my friends. I don't even want to go there when it's family!

YS: I love this stuff. I spent the entire day playing with it and if I wasn’t so tired, I would play with all night, but I am just beat.

I am now covering the phone, hiding in the corner of the cat food isle and hoping like hell no one around me speaks English well enough to understand any of the conversation that is coming through the phone.

ME: Oh GAWD!! Please tell me your husband is not in the room while you are telling me this? And on second thought, WHY are you telling me this? I don't need to know about your sex life and SHUT UP about anything sex and Dad!!!

Silence on the phone as I can hear it sinking in that I am not understanding what she is saying.....

YS: WHAT??? Not COCK, you idiot. CAULK. C-A-U-L-K You know, the stuff you use to seal tubs and stuff?** You get it at Home Depot??? Really! Get your mind out of the gutter.

The conversation pretty much died out after that. Then I started thinking about how funny Home Depot could make Caulk. Just think about it:

All the Caulk you can handle!
Now Offering caulk-tales for all the single women.
Hammered and Nailed by the Caulk on Isle 4

Alright, I'll stop. I know. I am just amusing myself on this, but it really was kind of funny. At least in my mind.

*See previous post "Secret Agent (Wo)Man"

**OK, now why she thought that moi of all people would know anything about the Caulk is beyond me? I have ZERO Home Depot gene and my Dad restricted me from using anything fix-it-yourself after I managed to send a 16 penny nail straight out of a nail gun and dead center into a freshly finished tiled wall. My tool belt privileges were revoked forever after we spent four hours fixing that mess.

***P.s. the bloody spell check isn't working for some reason and I am too darn lazy to go get the dictionary. Sorry.


Vanessa said...

I'd love a little caulk, could you send some my way? ;)

dg said...

MMMMMMM-mmmmmmm! I love me some colored caulk!

I also adore houses with big DECKS.

LarryLilly said...

I have just finished a master bath and master bedroom floor tile shower job.

I used about 10 tubes of caulk. some was real sticky and gooey white, then others were an odd white. The tool i used had a ratchet device, so it came out real well, smooth and straight. then I would use this other thing-a-ma-jig, and smooth it all over the surface, wipe off the excess with paper towels and let it dry.

My wife would come ever so often and see what i was doing, but when she saw I was playing with my caulk, she shrugged her shoulders and left.