Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Holy Crap!

The other day I was deep in thought. As luck had it, I was deep in thought in my favorite deep in thought place: sitting on the loo.   As I was conducting my business and thinking all manner of very important things, when my eyes wandered around the ceramic surroundings and spied a book. 

Given that my life has become a performance art of multi-tasking, I have to squeeze in things where ever I can... even in the can.

One of the books I noticed sitting in the book bin was a Bible Daily Devotional.  It was then that I had the most insidious thought.  One I think could be worthy of debate amongst the best religious scholars or Notre Dame graduates. (OK, not really, but it would be an interesting to get the Vatican's insight into this ~ Anyone have the number of Dial-a-Pope?)  

I wondered: Do you think God is offended when people read the Bible/Biblical Literature /
Devotionals while performing the bases of human functions sitting on the loo?  I mean, really?  You are in there eliminating the waste from your life when you are struck by the need to get closer to the Almighty?  
Da-da-da-da- just sitting here and oh yeah, "Hi God, I'd like to spend a few minutes in deep meaningful thought with you.  Yeah, I know I am taking a major dump right now, but isn't this the best time to pray for that new job/man/car I have been wanting?  It's not like I am putting You on the same level as, say, my needing to pee, but that I can't squeeze another more fitting moment out of my day to talk with you.  Please don't be offended.  I mean, thousands of people talk on their cell phone while using the bathroom.  I herd a woman the other day at Miami International Airport breaking up with her boyfriend just two stalls away.  So if she can conduct life changing business like that while on the seat, I should be able to have a heart-to-heart one-on-one with the Big Man. Right?"

I know that these two topics of thought in the same blog could be offensive to some, but I don't think I am the only guilty party here.  (He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone. ~ Remember that one???)  So what do you think?  Do you think God takes offense to us using "potty time" as "prayer time"?  What if there is some form of prayer purgatory where you have to pay penitence for your misspent personal time with God?  Like one layer of Dante's Inferno where you stand endlessly in line for the ladies room at some major sporting event while having to watch the line for the men's room sail quickly through.

Maybe, I'm just over thinking this whole thing.  I mean, with all the other sh*t that I have done in my life that I am going to have to answer for on the Big Day, is this sh*t really going to be one of them?  Or will The Big Man just say all is forgiven?


Dr Zibbs said...

The bible has been very helpful in my marriage. I use it to prop up my wife's butt while we're having sex.

MelO said...

LOL... Excellent points here, my dear! (and ohhhh Zibbsy! You are BAD!) I think he would be okay with it, mostly because he's damn forgiving!


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm going to say that God is far more happy with you reading the Bible on the toilet than He is with almost anyone invoking his name as they hug the porcelain bowl while throwing up after a long night of Schlitz Malt Liquor and Pickled Bologna.

dg said...

I'm with MJenks on this one.

Plus, God created us IN HIS IMAGE, did he not? Which leads me to believe that he reads stories about us while he's taking an Almighty Dump.

So there.