Saturday, December 20, 2008

Now Isn't That Special

Last week I went to church.  Yes, I went in the building and No, it did not catch on fire.  Lightening bolts did not hit the roof and the pits of Hell did not open to devour me.  Although I did manage to scare the crap out a little old man when I accidently walked in the men's room.  Since I think that was what he was there for in the first place, that doesn't count.

After the pre-ordained* hour of listening to our Pastor telling us about the meaning of having a giving heart, the Christmas season, and being charitable to others, it was time to go.  

I got into my car and proceeded to start backing out of my parking spot.  Now, before I started backing out, I did my safety checks.  I looked Left Behind** ~ check. I looked Right Behind ~ check.  And I looked straight behind ~ oohhh nice Aaasss..... Uh, Check.   I even fixed my lipstick in the rear view mirror before I completely committed to putting the gear in the reverse position.  

Now, I took driver's education about the time that law makers started requiring set belts to be worn all the time, so my knowledge on the legality of the speed limit in a church parking lot might be a little hazy.  However, I did take defensive driving a few months ago and now know the laws regarding the right of way.  (And yes, I know the legality of driving 10 miles over the posted speed limit on the interstate, thank you very much Mr. I-Would-Give-A-Ticket-To-My-Own-Mother-Police-Officer.)  

Anyway, I am about 2/3rds of the way out of my parking spot when this Soccer-Mom-Pimped-Out SUV comes hauling ass around the corner and slams on the brakes.  By this time I am fully committed to getting out of my parking spot and was not about to throw it into drive just to tuck my Toyota totin' butt out of her way.  Especially since I have THE LAW on my side.  Yep, thanks to my newly minted defensive driving knowledge, I know I have the right of way in this situation.  Check it people, once you are over half way out of the parking spot, Ms. Soccer-Mom-SVU has to wait on you!  So there!!!

When I continue with my reversing process, Ms. I-Go-To-Church-And-Am-Obviously-A-Much-Better-Christian-Than-You proceeds to lay on the horn and flip me the bird!!!!!  Wellllllll, isn't that sssspeciahhhhhhhl!!  Being the much better person (of course), I just smiled, waved and mouthed "Merry Christmas............
B*tch" as I finished pulling out and drove out of sight.*** 

* Oh here I go, getting funny... Get it? Pre ordained Pastor.  Somebody stop me.
**Get it???!!! Oh Christianity & Armageddon humor is too much
***Let's just say I am a work in progress on that whole being good to ALL God's creatures.


dg said...

Weeeellll, isn't that speehhhhh-shul?

I think that woman is !!SATAN!! incarnate.

S'ok, Ms. Tastrophie. I was just at a "holiday" party and dropped the F bomb, then realized the couple I was attacking with my potty mouth might possibly attend my husband's church.


They don't. Thank God.

Vanessa said...

Of the many things I love (not) about living in TX is the self righteousness of those "Christians" which I like to call Christian-lite, meaning they can hold it together for an hour a week. Eff'n hypocrites.

LarryLilly said...

Christian lite? LOL

how about hypocritically heavy.

Cant a brother get an Amen?


Thank you.

Lisa, you should start an internet based church called "Lisa's lawless and the dammed right at home gospel meme-steries.

What with twitter and the like, it should number well, the hundreds even.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Soccer Moms aren't God's creatures.