Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Fancy That

Dear Makers of Fancy Feast Wet Cat Food:

As my eldest cat ~ Toothless is, well, toothless (save for the four little things masquerading as teeth in the front of his mouth), I have given into the guilt and purchased your fine wet cat food for several years now.  (Truly, you should be thanking the Jewish relatives somewhere in my family tree, because this guilt thing is totally making you bank!)

Recently Toothless has upped the guilt ante and I have been purchasing your Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys. As I am fairly certain that neither of my fine feline friends can read, and since they also lick each other's ass (as well as their own), I am sure they don't care if it is the Tuscan Blend or Florentine Delight they are savoring as long as it is wet and in the cat bowl.  Which leads me to ask, "What the hell do you put in this shit"?  Because what goes in smells NOTHING like what comes out of my cats.  

OH MY GAWD PEOPLE CAN YOU SMELL THIS SHIT??? No really.  SMELL. THIS. SHIT!!!  I have no way of describing it.  I have been to third world countries that use a hole in the ground as a public toilet and that smelled better than what my cats mass produce after eating your product.  I have three year old paint peeling off the walls around the litter box from the fumes this shit emits.  The Special Forces are petitioning Congress to fund my kitten's shit as weapons of mass destruction or at the very least a form of Biological Warfare.  Ohhhhhh MMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY GAAAAAAWWWWWWD!!! 

You would not believe the power of this shit.  I have been in a dead, xanax-and-hoho-overdose-coma type sleep and one little drop of this shit has been enough to wake me.  It brought tears to the UPS man's eyes the other day as he was delivering a package.  The litter box is two rooms away and has a cover on it!!  Not to mention, I had to "blame it on the cats" in front of a complete stranger, who by the way, would not take me up on my offer to come in and smell it for himself.  (Note: recently learned that the UPS man has requested another route ~ preferably one without crazy farting cat ladies.)

I only bring this up because, seriously, the odor is beginning to make me wonder if I should be whisking the kitties to the vet for some sort of emergency bowl surgery.  Really?  Did something die in there? Or is this what you intended when you did the R&D on culinary wet cat food?  Is this some sort of sick twisted lesson you are trying to teach us about spending more money on cat food than on human food? And since I have been such a loyal customer, would it be too much to ask if you put a little sprig of mint or something in there?  Maybe a touch of pine?  Hell, I would settle for Country Linen at this point.

Miss Tastrophie

P.s. The Shit count is this is high and if I offended your delicate sensibilities... I apologize.


Chemgeek said...

I'm sorry, but I've never smelled cat shit that didn't smell as bad as you describe.

But, maybe you are experiencing a feline gastrointestinal apocalypse the likes of which the world has never smelt!

Wizard Cat said...

Dear Ms. Lisa:

I'm terribly sorry about the stink that your two little balls of lovable fluff have raised around the house. I feel for you. Really. Honestly. Now, if you could pass along a message to the fluffballs for me...

Muy excellante. Eshay isn'tay onay ootay ooyay! Eepkay upay ethay oodgay orkway. Oonsay e'llway avehay erhay ightray erewhay eway antway. Ontinuecay operationay Othersmay Owneray Ileway Eshay Eepsslay. Oremay ootay omecay!


Thank you, and, seriously...get some febreze, lady.

LarryLilly said...

If you want your pussy (your cat that is) to grow some hair, feed it wet dog food.

Then every other cat will give it a wide berth!


dg said...

That is so wrong. I guar-damn-tee-ya something is amiss in that cat food. It shouldn't smell THAT bad.

PS...try leaning down to pick something up off the floor and have your Great Dane's butthole right in your face...as she releases a fart tsunami. Not pleasant. I actually felt my nose hairs singe.

Vanessa said...

Oh honey! I used to have that problem and had to switch to a different food. They now get raw food, the major benefit being when they poop it turns to dust as it hits the ground. I'm not joking, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Just breaks apart into dust.

Thanks for cracking me up!