Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Farts on a Plane!

Ok, people, I am on VAY-CAY-SIOOOOON.  Which means when I planed my vacation, I was not including in these plans to sit on a plane at 30,000 feet having my nasal cavity assaulted by an over-weight, middle-aged man's ass gas.  I was planning on drinking heavily, sitting on a beach taking my chances at skin cancer and scuba diving my butt into a border line narc'd status. I was not planning on attempting to breath through an airplane blanket for 3 hours while hoping the fumes from Fart-Man did not cause the plane to break apart.  First off there is no escape at 30,000 feet, second the oxygen masks will not deploy just because some inconsiderate jerk ate his body weight in sauerkraut the night before and has decided to gas every passenger on a 747. There is no escape.  However, there is a way to fight back.... And the best line of defense against this onslaught - believe it or not - comes dressed in Gap kids and looks suspiciously like two boys about 10 years of age (I think that is how old they were).   

Anyway, fart-ass in the third row has gas. Not just gas, but G-A-S and could probably take out a small nation with one ass-cheek tied behind his back.  It was silent kind (at first).  The kind where they let loose about five minutes before everyone's oral-factory senses could figure out what the hell just assaulted them.  These sneaky little bastards were flying around the plane for about 45 minutes. Roughly one every 5 minutes or so, before Fart-Man fell asleep.  Then the fun really began.  

Apparently, Fart-Man had been making some sort of attempt at hiding the sneaky little pops while he was awake, because once he was asleep....all bets were off.  So every so often you would hear this "pppttthhheww" in between his snoring.  This guy was a double barrel shot gun: snorts and snoring out one end ~ toots and shoots out the other.  I don't know which was worse.  

But let's face it: Farts are funny.  Even to "grown" ups farts are funny.  Oh sure, we try to do the adult thing by ignoring them.  We even pretend that our eyes are watering from some sort of allergy to dust mites or tearing up over the in-flight movie.  We delicately try to breath out of our mouths in hopes of not getting too much of the offending gas.  YEAH, that lasted 20 minutes before people started making eye contact with each other and making faces. The guy next to me was about to have an epileptic fit trying not to giggle at the insanity of the whole thing.  I mean these farts were deadly and what could we do?  It's not like we could ask the guy to go spend the rest of the flight in the john?  Although that was one idea that we tossed around after about 2 hours into the onslaught.  Hell, the captain even came out of the cockpit and asked the flight attendant what the hell died in First Class.  So grown adults spent the most part of a 4 1/2 hour flight giggling,devising ways to get Fart-Man to stop, and trying not to breath through their noses.  Someone even suggested we could get the Air Marshall to arrest Fart-Man as a terrorist since he was definitely harboring weapons of M-ASS Destruction. Comments were made as to how much was in his "ARSE-enal" and conversation pretty much went down hill from there.  Yeah, we were gas-happy at this point and all bets were off when it came to making fart jokes.  It was pretty funny (but you probably had to be there).

Now, I love it when kids say things that they really shouldn't.  And I love it even more when they say things that embarrass the living shit out of their parents.  So here we are basically being held captive by Fart-Man and his peel-the-paint-off-a-wall fart attack and there are two kids seated in the fourth row opposite Fart-Man.  At first they were all whispers and little comments to each other:

Kid1 : "EEEEEEWWWWW did you smell that?"
Kid2: "AAAWWWW That was gross!" (followed by faces of choking to death and gagging)
Kid1: "You smelt it - you dealt it!!"  (I giggled because that was a favorite from my days as a kid and it's good to see the good ones never die.) 

These and other comments were followed by ssshhhhes by Mom and Dad.  As the flight went on, the comment started to get louder and louder ~ as kids tend to do when shut in a plane for four hours without anything to occupy their time besides Fart-Man and his toot-a-thon.  Then when things really started to get bad:

Kid1: "DUDE!! (all kids speak Dude - apparently) That was gross"

Kid2: "Yeah, Dad's farts don't stink that bad and he really farts a lot"

Kid1: "OH Yeah! Remember that one time when we were in church and Dad farted really, really gross and it smelled so bad that Mom's eyes cried and Mom tried to pretend that it was the guy in front of us and Dad was all proud of his fart and Mom was really pissed and we got in trouble for making strangling noises cause Dad's farts smelled gross?"

At this point, the couple in front of Kid 1 and Kid 2 were trying to simultaneously shut their kids up and sink into the seat cushions to die of embarrassment. Althoug I think Dad was secretly proud of his de-facto win in the fart competition.  If Mom could have made a hole to disappear into by sheer will alone, she would have.  Everyone else was doing their best not to laugh but that only added to the insanity of the entire flight.  

Somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico at 30,000 feet, 24 adults lost the battle of wills against fart-man and began laughing so hard it woke up the tooting terminator.  And my vacation began with a Toot.


Ainsley said...

This made me giggle. Meema too. It was just too funny.

Caps said...

Like I always say, there are 2 things that will always be funny, no matter how old I am: when someone falls, and when someone farts. Amen.

the indefatigable mjenks said...

I guess you couldn't open a window, either.

I'm with caps: falling and farts are funny.

I'm penning a little story in this vein that I'll be posting later today. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

DG said...

". . .as kids tend to do when shut in a plane for four hours without anything to occupy their time besides Fart-Man and his toot-a-thon."

And that would be where I lost it and giggled so hard that I pulled a muscle in my side.

I am not kidding. I am in pain. I am going to see my chiropractor and I will be forwarding the bill TO YOU.

OMG. That fucking topped it all!!!! Thanks for sharing. Yep. Farts are eternally funny.

Anonymous said... THAT right thar was funny!!


clh_95 said...

Are you sure it wasn't a flight attendant just "crop-dusting?" I HEARD that some of them do that- you know walk through the cabin, passing gas so that everyone just thinks it's the person next to them????!!!