Monday, March 3, 2008

Help! I'm Buggin' Out!!!

It's official.  The people at my apartment complex think I am nuts.  THIS THING has been outside my door for three days now.  It's HUGE.  I mean like six inches - HUGE.  And I have a real, highly imaginative and very large fear of bugs. Especially the kind that are six inches long, look like they landed with their own spacecraft and could possible fly off with a small child in their grippy claws.

I called the management office the first day this evil thing appeared and politely asked them to send someone to remove it.  
Ok, it sounded more like this:


MO (Management Office): Ah, ma'am you are going to have to stop screaming. What seems to be the problem?


MO: Ma'am, you have to tell me what "it" is or hang up and dial 9-1-1.

(Which I had previously done, but found out that the police department does not find entomological emergencies on the same level as, oh say, homicidal ones.  Go figure.)

After about five minutes of me hyperventilating and explaining to the office that I can not walk out my door or down the stairwell because this THING was blocking my path, I asked them if they could please remove it.  Although I was told they would "put in a maintenance request" I somehow think no one was taking me seriously.  That was three days ago.  IT is still there...and I haven't left my apartment for fear IT is going to attack me.

Yes, I know it LOOKS dead.  But really?  How do you know?  It could be one of those creatures that plays dead right up until the pray gets close up.... Then WHAM!  It attacks.  Plus, this thing looks scary.  Biblical plague type scary.  Blood sucking scary.  And I am a wimp.  I call my Dad (who lives two states away) to come kill the grasshoppers my cats drag in.  Even though the grasshopper has only one leg left and is limp-hopping to the left in a desperate attempt to flee my Marque de Sade grasshopper-torturing cat before death.  I won't even go outside if the cicadas are out.  I'm sorry, but anything God sends as a plague upon man-kind you know can't be good.  (Ok, Biblical scholars - you say grasshopper; I say cicada.  Get over it.) Plus, they have beady little eyes and you can't kill them.  Not even with your car. Running over them a bazillion times. Forward and reverse.  Not that I tried that for 40 minutes until the sucker finally flew away and I needed to be persuaded out of my car with promises of xanax and Ho-Hos.

Back to the Bugger at hand.  It is still there.  I have called the MO every day asking them to kill it or remove the carcass - whichever works best for them. I don't care.  I just want it GONE. I have fumigated my apartment against any future attacks or incase this guy had friends bent on some six-legged-vendetta.

I have got to leave this apartment.  I am going stir-crazy.  I have eaten all the food in my refrigerator and am now eyeing the cat food in a desperate attempt to stand off starvation.  I'm out of coffee, coke zero and my xanax is dangerously low.  The Ho-Hos were gone after day one.  It is not a pretty site.  I'd call the pizza delivery guy, but unless he can chuck a hand-tossed meat lover's up to my balcony, I'm afraid opening the door is not an option.  I don't know how long I can last.  This may be the end for me......


Trish Ryan said...

Ewwww....that's gross. I'd be freaked out, too. If you need a shovel to clear it away, maintenance should be on it ASAP, not leaving it outside your door!

Hang in there!

Beckie said...

Two things you need:

Aqua Net

I believe you can figure out how best to use them as you haul ass past the infestation.

Kelly O said...

Oh ew ew ew ew ew! I'm with you. Oh the humanity!

Vanessa said...

They do grow them bigger in Texas, don't they? When we moved here last year, one of my dogs came in with half a lizard still wiggling in her beard. Lizard legs and tail, that's it! She had eaten the head... I freaked!

Do you have any spray air? Like the kind used to clean the keyboard for a computer?

La said...

Oh my lord, that is seriously disgusting. Nothing creeps me out more than grody bugs. EW.

Wendy said...

I think it's just a bigass cockroach, which is totally creepy. I also think it's dead (looks like it is missing body parts) so I think you are safe, but just to be safe I'd get the prescribed Aqua Net and Lighter (one of those long-handled jobs so you don't have to get too close) and "eradicate" the thing yourself. Doesn't look like MO is going to do squat for you.

By the way, do you have a major zoom lense on your camera that allowed you to take that pic through a window? Or did you seriously open the door and get close to it? (Ick!!)

Michelle said...

maybe you could get the pizza delivery guy to get rid of it for you. throw in a little extra tip.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

I used the telephoto zoom lens for the photo shoot. Wasn't planning on getting anywhere near this creepy thing. I have located a lighter and spray starch is the closest I have to Auqa Net. WHY did I get rid of all those Aqua Net cans I had in the 80's???

Daniel James Lula said...

Lisa, can I borrow the bug and take it to the Border? If I put it on the 241 I don't think we'll have any more drug smugglers coming that way. I think that bug is fugly enough to deter *anyone* from coming near it!!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Bug is available for pick up 24/7. Feel free to keep it as a token of my gratitude.

DG said...

You are freaking hysterical! When I lived in Big D, one day one of those f@ckers came crawling out of my sink - right up through the hole. I thought Armageddon had begun and shrieked like a madwoman. My husband? Laughed until he cried. No matter how much you spray, those suckers will come back in Texas. They're the Texas state bird, man.