Saturday, March 1, 2008

Some Day My Prince Will Come

Some day my prince will come
Some day we'll meet again
And away to his castle we'll go
To be happy forever I know

Some day when spring is here
We'll find our love anew
And the birds will sing
And wedding bells will ring
Some day when my dreams come true
*Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs - Disney

Some day my prince will come... Oh whatever!! After almost cough-cough something years of waiting patiently for my prince charming to find his bloody way off that white horse and onto my door step, I have decided that Walt Disney was more full of BS than half the cows in Texas. Being the red-blooded American that I am, I have decided to do the only fully mature responsible-for-my-own-life thing that I can do: I'm going to sue. And ladies, after discussing this with several girlfriends, I have decided to make this a class-action suit. So feel free to hang your hopes on the million dollar settlement instead of the million dollar Prince Charming.  (By adding your name or alias to the comments section.)

Dear Disney:

You are hereby ordered to cease and desist on all stories ending in "Happily Ever After" up to and including any plot lines depicting a Prince Charming, extremely long hair, a frog or deep sleeping any longer than an Ambien induced stupor. You are no longer allowed to create fantasy worlds where ugly ducklings turn into anything but uglier ducks. Furthermore, worlds where young poor indentured servants are turned into anything but older poor indentured laborers are not allowed to exist. Henceforth any mention of pumpkins, magic potions, coma-curing kisses and mice that can sing is strictly prohibited. 

The plaintiffs are seeking reparations for physical and mental anguish inflicted by attempting to wish upon a star. Up to and including emotional trauma/pain & suffering from unfulfilled dreams brought about as a direct result of said movies, resulting in low self-esteem and constant feeling of being a failure, and an inability to form healthy, lasting relationship with any member of the opposite sex as expectations have been set far too high in accordance with Prince Charming fantasy promoted by the accused.

In evidence are:
Exhibit 101 - chapped lips received from slimy frog skin.  
Exhibit 102 - photos of before and after post-possible-prince-charming-break-up bad hair cuts. Many of which have slashed silken long tresses into hideously hopeless messes.
Exhibit 103- roughened and pricked finger tips from spinning classes. 
Exhibit 104 - receipts for multiple refills of xanax needed to calm nerves induced while attempting to live up to unrealistically set "fairy princess" goals.

In addition to above said reparations, petitioners are seeking a full refund on all ball-gowns purchased (to include matching shoes and oh-so-cute clutch purses), any and all fairy godmother make-overs and the cost of Ambein (used to induce deep-sleep in which only a true love could revive the sleeping person). 

In conclusion, the plaintiffs believe that Disney knowingly, willingly and with magic of forth-though conspired to create make-believe "knight in shining armor" to the detriment of rational women everywhere.
Sincerely Yours,
Lisa-tastrophies, et al.

And until I get my Prince Charming in full, Disney, the only thing you had better be drawing up is my check.


Ainsley said...

I think you are on to something here... I really do.

The funny thing is, my therapist ACTUALLY said to me (in summary) "you have what we call 'happy ending complex' where you feel that things should tie up all neat and perfect into a happy ending all the time like they do in the movies; this is just not reality (duh!) and it will take some time before you'll be at a place where your subconscience will stop needing that ending to feel good". And while I did not get chapped lips from kissing a toad, I did almost get gum disease (so sad)- which counts, right?

Just don't forget compensation for painfull glass slippers and the subsequent podiatrist sessions to figure out how to get rid of bunions and ingrown toenails from ill fitting shoes...

Vanessa said...

Oh cute! I love the style of this post! And you are right, Disney is full of crap. I say is what kids should watch growing up teaching strength, independence and comfort with your own self. And only a relationship if it truly suits you!

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes by the way. :)

Anonymous said...

you are awesome! I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair! (and this time it wasn't from too much wine!)

Amy said...

Count me in sister! Because some of us actually end up with Prince Charming and that just may be the worst punishment of all. ;-)

Anonymous said...

TOO funny! This is genious! -AW