Sunday, June 30, 2013

The Anger Files

Warning ~ this is not the nicest post I have ever written. Mostly it is me getting some stuff off my chest. In fact, it isn't even semi-good, as far as my writing is concerned. Again, it's my blog and I will use it to vent, if I want to.  (Originally written in 2010 ~ while having a VERY VERY baaaaaddd day.)

Ms. Tastrophie is in a mood people!! I am fairly certain that the good Lord is trying to see how far I am willing to go in order to keep that whole "thou shall not kill" commandment. Because I will bet that He is putting people on this good green earth just to try my patience!!

First off, I inherited my grandfather's lack of patience. He had about .05% of his good nature to waste on people acting the donkey. I think I have about .025% of that and right now it's about half gone. It started about two weeks ago and maxed out on Thursday afternoon.

Things That Will Prove You are an Ass Hat; Ms. Tastrophie is Right in Thinking That She May Have To Hurt You:

1. You don't know how to merge and think that you don't have to follow the rules of the road or be nice. If there is a line a mile long where people are having to merge; you don't get to bum-rush everyone else's spot and drive to the very front of the line, thereby passing everyone else who was nice enough to merge politely. Don't even think about easing around my car assuming that I won't make a quick turn into your car. I have phenomenal car insurance and your ass would be at fault any way since you failed to yield right of way, and I am just the b*tch to do something like that. So don't test me.

2. I really do not think that natural childbirth means you should get some sort of Medal of Honor. First off, women have been doing it for centuries. You weren't the first and you won't be the last. However, I know for damn sure that I will be taking whatever drugs I can get my hands on up to the minute I even think I am in some form of labor (should all hell freeze over and I become pregnant). It's not my fault that you didn't think about getting the big shot of Pain-Away and thought that being in labor to 300 hours while trying to squeeze a baby the size of a watermelon through an opening with a dilated circumference the size of a coke can is some form of bravery. More power to ya, but don't think I'm going to think you are a hero. A masochist maybe, but not a hero. Oh, and I do NOT need to hear your war stories about how you were in labors for hours and torn from ass to chin by a 10 pounder making its way all sling-shot from your vajayjay. Complete with contraction-by-contraction details of how little Suzy was ripping your hoo-hoo to shreds, thank you very much. I don't read horror stories for a reason and that would be a horror story to me!  With that being said, I do think you deserve a life time supply of vodka and hohos for your trials as I am too much of a chicken shit to EVER go through the time honored throws of childbearing.

3. And should you have said child and make the commitment to raising him or her be sure not to f*ck it up any more than the normal amount of required parental angst we all get. I am a teacher. Not a freaking clean up squad. It is NOT my job to have to listen to your child:
a. Tell me to F*ck Off
b. Tell me to suck his d*ck
c. Call me a c*cksucker
d. Otherwise speak to an adult in a less than civil tone and with some level of manners already taught/
I also do not have to be a moving target for your little brat's throwing practice. In the past two weeks I have been hit with erasers, pencils, paper wads, Runt candies and something I can't figure out except to say that it was blue and hard and hurt like hell when it hit my lower back. I have a suggestion for you. If little Johnny or Jane starts to make that magic down hill slide into delinquency, I recommend heading it off at the path and taking care of it at home. Don't think my job description lists anything other than teaching Science. I HIGHLY recommend military schools. I heard they now have a Marine Corps Kindergarten, which tickled me red, blue and gold!!

4. Last but not least, do not tell me, when I feel like my entire world is crushing me from every corner of the universe, to pray about it!!! I love God and have my faith, but nothing will piss me off more than telling me to do something I already know (and do). Not to mention at that particular moment, I am not exactly lovin' the situation God has apparently put me in; if I am to base my understanding of the situation based on your explaining of God and how stuff works. Piety in others pisses others off ~ ask Jimmy Swagggert.

Now I have to go and find out if I can legally get a Valium infused air freshener put into my car. Because I am going to kill the next M-F*er who cuts me off in the merge lane.


Bean Counting Knitter said...

Oh Lisa.... Please open a beautiful bottle of wine and indulge. I hope things improve soon. People are CRAZY and they are making us normal people crazy with them.

Wine and Words said...

Valium air freshener!!! Come to momma.....

LarryLilly said...

Valium I dont have

Hydrocordocone I have bottles of the liquid and the pill form. Depends if you want it to chase the other LOL.

Vanessa said...

Doesn't it feel good to vent?