Sunday, June 30, 2013

For $500, You Had Better Suck!!

Dear Makers of The Dyson DC14 Animal Vacuum Cleaner:

       A few years ago my old vacuum cleaner decided to go on strike. It had had it with trying to pick up the cat hair, my hair, random stuff and dust bunnies that make a house a home. In my neat-freak panic I decided that I was going to quit throwing money down the drain and invest in a vacuum cleaner that would really suck. One that had a reputation for never losing suction. The kind of suction that would make a high school slut and a trailer hitch proud. So I forked over 500 big ones for your DC14 Animal.

    RRRROOOOWWWWRRR. Even the name sounded like it could peel the paint off a wall from 50 paces. My inner cleaning animal was unleashed. I developed a relationship with your DC14 that bordered on co-dependent. It would suck the padding from underneath the carpet as I hit the high notes like Liberace in Vegas. The feeling of clean carpet under my toes made me want to pull it out and use it every day. For $500, I was getting the kind of satisfaction that normally comes from a day long Law & Order marathon, vodka, xanex, and HoHo coma.

     Now, just like Mick Jagger ~ I can't get no satisfaction. Apparently when your inventor, James Dyson, said "never" he was talking more like approximately 4 years. Cause this baby doesn't suck any more! Nothing! Not even the random piece of string that I ran over 25 times, then picked up to inspect, then returned to the floor to run over again 25 times. So much for never loses suction. Even the high school slut is still giving out after 4 years! Doing the math (cause that's what former math teachers do), my Dyson only gave me $125 worth of suction a year. I don't think of that as suction so much as I consider it getting screwed. 

     So now I have a new vacuum with a much smaller price tag and it sucks just fine, thank you. At the price I paid for this little Hoover sucker if he gives out at the end of the year I'm not going to be upset. As for your DC14 Animal, he is now residing outside my apartment complex dumpster. In fact, DC14 has been sitting out there for two days now and even the dumpster divers won't take him. Guess that tells you something, doesn't it?
Dyson, you don't suck ~ you blow.
Ms. Tastrophie


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

We bought a "pet hair" remover somethingorother from Lowes when the last $100 vacuum gave out. We've very happy with it.

Kind of odd, since we don't have animals, but still, it pulls all the shed hair out of the carpet.

Wine and Words said...

You crack me up. Do you make yourself laugh? Do you type with giggles? Jeeze! I am wriggling with delight and ready to use my Krav Maga brown belt to knock your Dyson into outter space. Who needs a dumpster?

dg said...

Snort! You had me at "high school slut and a trailer hitch"!

See...If you had a Cap'n Recovery handy, you could demand that he take apart your Dyson, piece by piece, as you sucked down a glass of wine, casually lounging on the sofa burning brain cells on shitty TV, while he did all the work and figured out what the hell was wrong with your vacuum. And he would fix it perfectly. Oh yes, he would.

Everyone needs a Cap'n Recovery sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Why didn't you just have it repaired?

Scope said...

I'm trying a "Cyber Monday" challenge for bloggers. Will you take the challenge?

Read more on my blog, SCOPE-TECH

Sorry I missed this post.

Scope said...

I'm hosting "Cyber Monday" again this year over at SCOPE-TECH. Just post something, anything, on Monday, December 1, and then post a link over on my blog.

Last year was a great way to reconnect with bloggers that had started to fade away.

Won't you play along?

If your blog is dead, but you want to just send me a blurb, I'll post it on Scope-Tech.