Sunday, June 30, 2013

Excuses, Excuses

(Previously written in 2009 ~ but not published)

As a teacher I have seen my fare share of notes from parents. Although, the notes I get usually aren't ones asking how Little Johnny is doing science or what kind of homework he will be doing this week. I get ones that say Little Johnny was sick with an upset stomach for the last three weeks and could I please excuse all the work he has not done so that he will pass the 7th grade and make it one year closer to getting the hell out of our house?

But in the two years that I have been teaching this is by far THE BEST parent excuse letter EVER!

"Plese excuze Dumb-Ass* from school yesterday. The mutha f*cker found my stash and smoked up all my sh*t and was gotten to high to go to school. Dont bothr punishin him cuz I grounded him til he pays me back all my sh*t he smoked." *pseudonym

Now for all you people freaking out over the whole thing, don't worry. The authorities were alerted. Yes, CPS was involved and took care of things. That's not what this blog is all about. This blog is about YOU using YOUR creative skills and giving me a note from home to be proud of. One worth reading. One worth my crushing my academic integrity and ethics in order to help Little Johnny over that silly little road-block called an education.

I have to tell you, I get some really boring notes from parent and I don't feel any need to reward bad excuses with good grades. So next time, instead of telling me Little Johnny had a fever and chills, make some good sh*t up. Tell me you and the Mr. got a little too freaky last night, over slept and decided that freak-round two should occur at 8 a.m. Which sounded a whole lot better than hauling your @$$ out of bed and getting your off-spring to school. 

Tell me that you thought that taking a "mini-break" to the sale at the outlet mall with your little diva-in-training appealed more to your sense of economical duty than the need for your daughter to know the history of the Spanish occupation of Texas, Louisiana, and Mexico. (I would probably agree with you on that one.)  Besides, if the little diva in training is destine to become the next Jackie O or Kate Spade, who am I to stand in the way of some field research?  Just remember me when she's designing her Spring collection.

Remember, creativity counts and snaps will be given for excuses that include blatant sucking-up to the teacher. Calling me the best teacher Little Johnny has ever had, and that he has learned more from sleeping through my class than any other class he has slept through before, will appeal to my sense of empathy. I promise not to count off on the missed classwork if you put a little imagination into Little Johnny's excuse. Hell, I might even give extra credit for style and original concept. Just don't admit to committing three felonies and bad spelling.


Wine and Words said...

Wow! All I can say is Wow. To talk to and about your kid that way! And the spelling! And the language! And the selfishness! Ugh

Harried Teacher said...

Bwahahahaha!! Thank you so much for this post! I just had the most rotten day with one student in my grade four class and was feeling like the worst teacher ever! Thank you for making me remember the kind of baggage our kids come to school with every day and that I can't undo a 9 years of messed up parenting in 6 hours a day!!

Chemgeek said...

Please tell me you're kidding.

You teach in a world that I am totally unfamiliar with. If it means anything to you, I have a great deal of respect for you and other teachers in your position. Wow, the sh*t you deal with...

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@Wine ~ yeah, for so many reasons the note itself was awful. Sadly it is very representative of what I see on a daily basis with students and the lack of real parenting that is going on in our country.

@Harried ~ AMEN!! I love teaching, but what they don't tell you about the job is that you are not only a teacher, but a parent, priest, therapist, probation officer, social worker, and diplomat. Too bad we don't get more "power" to fix bad parenting.

@Chem ~ Unfortunately, not kidding. Thank you for the kind words. The irony to all of it is, that I have never taught in any other environment. So, the things I see and hear are "normal" which helps because it doesn't give me set a prejudice against the kids. It sort of helps me see them for who they are and not what others label them. On the other hand, I would have loved to have stayed ignorant of a lot of the things I now know.

Anonymous said...

Dear Miz Tastrophie -
Pleez x-cuse Little Jonny from skrull. We wuz all up in da pokey las'niy. He dun got home from da gang meetin' late, den we realize they wussint no food in da hous, so we head out to da Root'nScoot to get us some dinnah. While we was in dere, in comes dis tranny cross dressin muthafucka, and he convince Little Jonny to hold up da place wif him, just to get some weed on da side. So, I really likes da weed, so I says, oh kay. So we holds up da Root'nScoot, and we gets caught by a god damn midget. Can you believe this shit? This midget, he a cop. He come crawling around the personals isle - you knows da one - it gots da douches on sale for 4.99 every damn weekend? Anyways, he come crawling around the pyramid of douches and he says, stickemup! And the 6 foot fo' tranny say, who dat? I cain't see nobody! So, you know what dat midget does? He shoots d' damn tranny in da foot! Then all hell breaks loose. And Little Jonny and me ends up gettin' tackled by the midget (he done grabbed us by the ankles and shit) and his partner, a reg'lr sized dude, takes us down, we gets hauled into the pokey, and we sits there all nigh' until 8:30 dis moanin'. Das' why he late. Pleez x-cuse his tardiness and all that shit. Thx. (dg)

LarryLilly said...

Do you grade the notes and return them?

I mean, if you are a true educator, you would.


Harried Teacher said...

@ LarryLilly - There was a parent at a school where I used to teach who would send back teachers' notes and newsletters with typos circled in red. No lie!