Saturday, July 4, 2009

No, I was Drunk Yesterday...

Today, I am hung over.  That level of hang over that is not completely world ending, but annoying enough to keep you from getting anything done but relocating your butt to the couch.  The one where you wake up wondering why you slept with a sweater in your mouth and who the hell moved the sun directly into your room right above your eyes.  You're not dead yet, but somewhere around questioning God's sanity for letting you live.  For the under 30 set, this is nothing.  You still have the ability to bound back after a night out with the same rapid reflexes as a cat falling out of a tree.  For those of us a little farther from the thirty line, recovery and reflexes are slower.  (We also tend to fall out of higher trees.)  Somehow in my semi-dazed & confused state, I remembered a friend had sent me this Handy Hang Over Rating Scale.  I am suffering somewhere between two and three stars.  I'm going to try to re-hydrate; you read

*This hangover rating scale has been passed around for years. 

One Star Hangover:
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

Two Star Hangover:
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover:
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a guy walks by you gag because his cologne reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover:
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.

Five Star Hangover:
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.

Six Star Hangover:
Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

*I am not the author of this hang over scale from this point down.

4 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I had the six star hangover once. It lasted for two and a half days.

I was miserable.

Get well soon.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Mjenks: OHHHHH those are killer. Luckily I haven't had one of those since college. And I started to feel better that evening. I would say lesson learned or I am never drinking again.... but we all know how true that is :-)

Wine and Words said...

Yeah, I have been a six, after an ultrawild Girls Night Out. Passed out in the bathtub after having barfed all over the wall behind the toilet. Husband had to break down the bathroom door as I was not responding to voice command. And I though I was going to get away with it. Ha! I was in the dog house for days. Unfortunately this was a few months ago and my stupidity cannot be blamed on college antics. Oh well.

Des said...

What a great post. I just wrote about one of my drinking experiences, so I think this rating scale is spot on. Thanks for sharing.