Sunday, March 1, 2009

Sarcasm ~ Not Just For Adults Anymore

Ms. Tastrophie is one for knowing when to cop an attitude and when NOT to cop an attitude.  I have copped a few in my life and all I can say is that; in the world of the verbal bitch slap, Ms. Tastrophie has been known to take down a few names.  When I lived in the corporate-frequent-flier-world, I earned quite a few upgrades based on my ability to repartee and flay with the best of them.  So when I started teaching, I realized the day of the verbal-knock-down was coming to an end.  Or so I thought....

Every teaching book, training video, educational theory class in the world will tell you that you can not, and should not use sarcasm with kids.  Wwwwweeeeeeeellllllll..... I'm here to tell you that, aaahhhh, isn't necessarily true.  In fact sarcasm can be, and usually is, your best line of defense in some cases.  And used effectively will gain you more street-cred than a new pair of Jordans on a Friday night.  

Case in point.  When some smart mouthed seventh grader yells at you from across the room "Fuck You Bitch, you ain't my Mamma", you can smile and simply reply back "No, I am not your Mamma.  God didn't see why two women should have to bear that little life draining pleasure."  And no one will see the verbal smack down you just bestowed on the lovely little princess you have in your class.

Since Sarcasm works so well, not only with the students, but with their parents; I feel it should be spread equally.  Especially when someone's Baby-Mama is telling you that her little contribution to the world's future is not her problem during school hours and it ain't her fault that the kid can't do homework because he/she was too stoned after finding da Mama's stash last night.  Please feel free to enlighten Ms. Baby-Mama that you can not take the credit for her child's future employment at McDonald's; that bragging right will be all hers.

Apparently I am not the only one.  Recently a friend sent me the following comments via e-mail.  Ms. Tastrophie is only ashamed that she did not think of some of them first.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


Chemgeek said...

Hilarious. Any teacher who says they've never wanted to do that is lying.

I had a student in my office today asking if he could make up a test he skipped last Friday. I wanted to say, "sure. And for your convenience I've already written the 'F' at the top of the test for you. Enjoy."

LarryLilly said...

I worked in the private sector for 19 years, where an optimist was the guy that brought his lunch to work. (Mid morning meetings where people would get fired) So when i went to work for the State, I was shocked to see that you could say pretty sarcastic things to managers and stay employed.

The best one I heard was a technical guy like myself telling the director, head of the agency that "You have a fundamental lack of understanding" followed with "I can explain it to you but I cannot understand it for you"

Nothing brings a young-un with rockets in his pockets down to the surface faster than classics like "I have forgotten more than you will ever know!"

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@Chemgeek: I snarfed my coffee when I read your last part. Yep. It's hard not to use the sarcasm. I'm trying, really... but some days...

@LarryLilly: That and a good old fashioned "Yo Mamma" will kick their butts every time!!

dg said...

Those are beyond hilarious! All I could hear in my head was, "Chi-chi-chi-chia! Chi-chi-chi-CHIA-PET!"

You go, girl. Those asstards probably didn't comprehend the full nuance of your sarcasm until 8 hours later anyway, and at that point they were too high to load the 45 and come over and shoot you.

Vanessa said...

Oh, those are some good ones! You know I'll be "borrowing" those lines a time or two.