Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Can I Deduct Ho-Hos?

Oh Good GAWD it's that time again.  That time when I run around the apartment looking for everything and anything that can be considered a deduction on my taxes.  And let me tell you, people, Ms. Tastrophie can rationalize the living sh*t out of things.

***Five dollar Starbucks White Mocha Latte as an educational expense?  Hell yes!  You want me to be wide away when I am trying to import the importance of conjugating the "be" verb correctly to kids who can barely spell their own names, don't you?  Not to mention that Ms. T tends to be a bit on the cranky when she doesn't get her morning fix.  Not a good thing when talking to a bunch of kids who think Tupoc was the Original Gangster.  

***$65 (on SALE ~ thank you very much) Naturalizer kitten heeled black patent leather too cute shoes ~ educational expense.  Because we do NOT need another teacher in a denim empire waist jean dress and tennis shoes trying to teach the importance of making a good impression.  Define Irony, anyone???

***Massage therapy ~ health care.  Uh, duh!  If you had my job you would be stressed too.  So having Sven with the Wonder hands rub me up and down for an hour, keeps me from going postal on the kids.  I think that is justification enough.  Plus, did I mention his name is Sven?  Please feel free to use your imagination...I do ;-)

***Ho-hos and Xanax ~ another health care cost.  I lobbied my insurance company to include Ho-hos in the prescription plan but I don't think they are taking me seriously.  I kept getting sent to the Mental Health Claims department every time I call and ask about this.  I don't know why?  

***Victoria Secret V-Thong Panties with Matching Bra Sets ($250) ~ Home Improvement.  How the hell am I ever going to move out of a shit-hole one bedroom apartment if I don't get a man who can hep finance the move out?  O.K. this one is a little on the setting-women-back-a-few-decades side, but these are desperate times and I am in some serious need of a few tax breaks of my own, so work with me here people.

Now if anyone knows where I can get a couple of social security cards issued for Elsa and Bud E. Phat, I would appreciate it.  Since they don't seem to be motivated to find a way to help support this one income household, I am thinking I am going to shove them in some Baby Gap clothing and start claiming them as dependents.  

I'm off to go look for that receipt for my Coach Carry-All ~ Future Mortgage Expenses.  Because at the rate the economy is falling, I maybe living out of that bag soon enough.


Chemgeek said...

We got our taxes done today and our accountant guy said three times, "I hope the IRS doesn't put me in jail for this." That made me laugh and worry.

BTW, if the Victoria Secret deduction works, let me know. I'll fully equip the mrs. in the name of home improvement.

Bean Counting Knitter said...

PLEASE keep buying Victoria Secret! My husband works in the IT department. ;-)

LarryLilly said...

You need to use the tax firm of "Dewey, Cheatum and Howe"

Then when you say that you have people doing your taxes, everyone will know that they do your taxes, but YOU do the time.

"Battery operated boyfriends" are a tax deduction, durable medical expense.

just me said...

HoHos should definitely be on everybody's health plan.

One a month, for when things really suck the big one.

Martin said...

Hi Lisa, I can't seem to find a means of contacting you on your blog, so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

It's a long shot, but you might be able to help me out with something. Could you drop me a quick line at this address (I'm disguising it to avoid spambots picking it up).

The second part of my email address is: @copydesk dot co dot uk

The first part is 'martin'.

(I hope that makes sense).

dg said...

HA! I'm glad you're back. I feel the pain, sister. This tax shit is for the birds.

It's all deductible, say I!

Cora said...

Sorry, you lost me at Sven. Mmmmm. What else did you say?


Vanessa said...

I suggest getting a cat or dog, then assigning them a social security number. HUGE deductions for kids. HUGE! ;-)