Monday, March 23, 2009

Beware the IRS of March

Guess what happens when you try to deduct Ho-ho's and you make a major screw up on your tax returns from two years ago?  The IRS sends you a nice love letter saying you f*cked up and could you please send them a check for $10,000 ... LIKE NOW.  But if you can't pay, they will be more than happy to let you make payments while interest and penalties rack up at a rate higher than the current APR +20%.  I should be able to pay off Uncle Sam for this nice little screw sometime in 2120.  

I have to say that opening this letter was a one of a kind feeling.  Somewhere between getting kicked in the (proverbial) nuts, getting bitch-slapped and having your eyes gouged out by
 hot iron pokers all at once.  I am not recommending this ride to anyone.  After the full bout of hysteria and hyperventilation, followed by the consumption of SEVERAL boxes of Ho-ho's and a few (OK, MANY) xanax, I proceeded to scour my house for money.  I found $2 in my jeans pocket, $1.75 in change between the couch cushions and a few wayward raisins under the sofa.  (Do raisins go bad??)  Now, if I can just come up with the other $9,996.25 before April 15th, I should be good to go.  Apparently if you are a fat-cat CEO who gets mega buck bonuses, Uncle Sam doesn't give a rat's ass about your tax return but if you are a dead broke first year teacher who is still trying how to make ends meet every month when she has more month than on!!  

On the bright side, the IRS is not auditing me.  Which would probably amount to a bigger pocket-book bioposy than this one.  So I should be thanking my lucky stars that it is just a minor piece of government endorsed extortion instead of a full blown body cavity search with a chain-saw.  Although, it is just as pleasant feeling :-)  

So here are Ms. Tastrohpie's little words of warning for all you tax-fun loving people this time of year. CHECK, DOUBLE CHECK and THEN GET SOMEONE ELSE TO CHECK before you file.  (Karma can kick slap me all she wants and usually does; I just don't want her messing with anyone else.)  

I'm off to go sell some plasma, a kidney and my (future) first born child.  Hey Mister, can you spare a dime?

P.s. Turbo-Tax can SUCK IT!!!


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...


But, on the bright side, you're now qualified for a cabinet position.

Cora said...

Oh God! That's my biggest fear! I check my tax return so many times that I see numbers floating in front of my eyes for days, but I'm still scared everytime I drop those puppies in the mail box.

Ohh, good luck! See if they'll take the raisins too. Those might be worth a few pennies, right?

Chemgeek said...

mjenks beat me to the joke.

$10K? Are you serious? That's like 25% of my annual income. Is the IRS not satisfied with the blood they got the last time they squeezed the turnip?

Good gawd!!! Good luck!!!

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Mjenks: Hee hee. Too funny. Sadly, also probably too true :-)

Cora: Good for you!! Have those puppies checked with a fine tooth comb! Trust me on this one. This is the worst. And I asked about the raisins. Apparently they aren't worth the box the originally came in... bummer

Chemgeek: Yep. I'm serious. It's really closer to $9,930 but between all the penalties and fees, I will be WAY over the 10K mark. Yeah, that is 1/4th of my salary (gross) as well. After insurance and paying for my teaching certification, I may have two dimes left in the "net". Tell me again, why teachers get paid so little? We MUST love our work (I know I yip about it, but I do love teaching).

Vanessa said...

I've had that bitch slap from the IRS before and you're right, it's not pretty. I had payments for 7 years that equaled my monthly rent. SUCK! I finally got an attorney who was able to get the total amount owed reduced, so maybe that's an option for you? Good luck.