Friday, June 27, 2008

Mile High Club Membership

Well, it's official.  Anyone flying on any airline is now a member of the Mile High Club because if you don't think we aren't getting screwed by the airlines, I have some beach front property in Oklahoma to sell you.  I am dumbfounded.  After the latest announcement that US Air is now charging $2 for a soda, tea or water in an effort to "defray" the cost of fuel, I have decided that the airlines must be run by the same asshat monkeys that run my insurance company. (Oh, more to come on their latest round of F-Ups - so stay tuned.)   

TWO DOLLARS!!!!  (Flash backs to scene from "Better Off Dead" where Jon Cusack gets chased by some black-hoodie wear 10 year old on a bike.  One of the BEST movies - ever.) 

Anyway, soda cost $2.50 for a 12 pack at my local grocery store.  So don't tell me that the over-head on soda is sooooo high that US Air needs to charge me for almost every can in the 12 pack. Plus, they don't give you the entire can to begin with - just a small plastic cup loaded with ice. Let me be the first to tell you, if some air waitress*(1) hands that little plastic cup to me and then tells me that I owe her $2.... You might just see the re-invention of the word Bitch.  Cause I am going to make "going airline" the new "going postal".  You can just call the Air Marshall now and tell him I'm-ah-comin'.

I can (kind of) comprehend the fee-f*cking they are giving us over luggage.  Some of us (who, moi?) simply do over-pack and the weight does affect the fuel.  But they have been carrying coke, tea and water on flights since day one and a 12 oz soda's weight hasn't changed. Hell with that logic, are you now going to start weighing us as we buy our tickets?  Anyone over the "average" weight of 150 pounds will now have to pay an "excess weight" fee?  Like I can just drop those extra 10 pounds at the gate if I don't want to pay the fee?  Hell, if that's all it took I would have been dieting at the airport instead of trying to over come my failed attempts at bulimia.  (I got the bingeing part down, it's the purging part that I haven't mastered.)

Which means they are now asking me to sit on a flight and die of thirst unless I bring my own drink.  And I can't bring from home since I can't take it past the Gestapo-wannbe-security check point.  Because GAWD forbid someone actually use that water-filled bottle for water instead of something like, oh say, a drive by wet t-shirt contest when those long flight delays get a little dull or a Zoolander Gas-Station-Wake-Me-Up-Before-You-GoGo inspired water bottle fight. So I am now forced to buy from the in-terminal vendors. Who by the way are just LOVING this little turn of events, since I am sure they are running out there and racking up the price of their drinks as we speak.  

What's next?  Are they going to charge me for the air they pump in? Pay toilets? Good thing they aren't serving in flight meals and charging me for drinks.  That will keep me from needing to use the lavatories the entire flight.  I mean, it's bad enough when I am in First Class and some "regular" person from coach comes up to use the First Class lavatory, but now I am going to have to pay for the after-smell as well?  (Cause you know that the toilet in First Class is Oh-So-Much-Better....yeah, whatever, you are still sh*ting in a space smaller than a broom closet.) 

OH!! I know, how about charging me for the tray tables and in flight magazine? Since I won't be getting a meal or drink to put on the tray, my using them should be a privilege and paid for along with my $2 non-alcoholic beverage. I mean seriously, why don't they just come out and announce that other than sitting in your seat and doing absolutely nothing the entire flight, they are going to charge you for it.  Want to get your carry-on from the over head bin?  $5 please.  Want to lean your seat back and stretch out?  $3 please.  Want to watch a movie (even if you brought your own headset)? $5, please.  Want the flight attendant to give you a kiss before the nickel and dime screwing you are getting? $20 please.

Thank you for joining the Frequently Screwed Flyer Mile High Program of the Airlines Industry.  We hope you enjoyed your flight and the @$$-raping we are giving your wallet.

*(except for my sister who is a FLIGHT ATTENDANT and not an Air Waitress, thank you very much!! Because in all honesty, their job is your safety ~ NOT to get you a freaking soda and some peanuts!)


Lisa-tastrophies said...

And before any flight attendants give me smack about the air waitress comment....
No I do not really think that. Yes, I know your job is about our safety and since my sister became a flight attendant I have steadfastly refused to give them any grief (cause my sister will smack me down faster than a fat kid on a twinkie if i did!!)

DG said...

Ohhhhhh - I luv yer blog! I am so with you on the annoyance factor with the shitlines of the sky. And? You are right on target with the absurd double-charging on the overweight people of the world. My parents saw a news story the other day which involved exploration of that very concept.

Scary, yes? I dare them to try it. Talk about discrimination lawsuits. It'll kill off the airline industry completely.

Abbie said...

lol @ the beachfront property in OK
That was funny.
But you are right, you can't bring your own food past security and even if you try to buy your drinks at the airport stores you pay more than a hundred percent hike in price.

Amy said...

We are flying US Airways on Wednesday. Thanks for the heads up! I will make sure we pay $6 per soda in the airport after we pass through security. Do you think they charge for drinks on international flights too?

LarryLilly said...

Southwest still gives peanuts and drinks (cokes) for free.

And they have improved their cattle-car attitude with boarding, they no longer use the cattle prods, now they just flash a boob or two and that does the trick LOL

well, maybe that last part was an exaggeration!

Chemgeek said...

Maybe they could charge us for each rivet in the plane or maybe collect some money to see how many engines they run during the flight.

God help us if a flight crashes "I'm sorry sir, to use your seat cushion as a flotation device you need to give me $3."

I feel pity for the flight waitree... I mean, attendants who will take the brunt of the anger. I'm pretty sure this wasn't their idea.

Vanessa said...

I'm so with you on this! $2? Charge for bags? Parking? Good Gawd!