Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Woman Lie Detector

When the good LAWD all-mighty was making men I am sure when He was done, He had an entire bag of left over parts and no idea what to do with them.  I know for a fact that one of the parts in that bag was the "Woman Lie Detector" part.  Not the part that can tell when a woman is flat out lying about something.  For example:  "Honey, I have NO idea how that three foot scratch down the entire side of your beloved 1968 Shelby Mustang got there." LIAR!!! She knows.  Hell, she probably put it there in retaliation for some trivial thing the guy did.  But here's where that missing "Woman Lie Detector" part comes into play.  Had the man had this missing part installed, he would have been able to safely navigate through the Man/Woman mine field therefore completely avoiding the possible destruction of his most precious automobile.

The scene possibly started like so:  A conversation about plans.  Plans with the guys.  Plans without the woman.

Him: "Honey, I am going to (insert name of sports bar or best guy-pal's house) to watch the (insert sporting event name here) with the guys.  I'll probably be gone all afternoon/evening, so don't wait for me."

Her: "Now?"

Him: "Uh, yeah now."

Her:  (in a slightly pouty, but semi normal voice) "But I thought we were going to (insert some form of chick based activity - i.e. watching The Notebook for the 100th time)."

Him: "Honey, this is a really important game.  If (insert name of fantasy football quarterback pick) gets 3 TD's my fantasy football team moves into the league championships and I could totally kick a$$ this year."

Her: (in a more pouty, but still normal tone) "So you would rather sit in a room with a bunch of guys, drinking beer and watching a game instead of spending the afternoon with me?"

*****DANGER****** Men, this is the most critical moment of your life!  I guarantee you that every instinct in your body is going to be crying out for the beer, buds, and ball you so richly want.  Don't do it!  Those four hours are not worth what is coming next.  And here is where that missing part could help save you hours of misery.

Him: "Baby, you know I love you.  I'll be back right after the game and then we can spend all night together. (Insert promises of movie, roses, back rubs, whatever you think you will have to give, in order to get the h*ll out of the house in the next ten minutes)"

Her:  "O.K. Fine."

DING!!! DING!!!! DING!!!! And men, with those two words, she has just sealed your fate in the world of payback-is-a-b*tch.  Because everything is most definitely NOT fine and you are blissfully unaware that your fate has now been sealed.  All this could have been avoided had you just had the "Woman Lie Detector" installed.  She would have said "Fine" and you would have been beeping like a blinged out rap artist in a metal detector at that lie.  Thereby allowing you the time to find a successful comeback that would have allowed you to watch the game and still make the little woman happy.  As to what that comeback might be, heaven only knows.


Scope said...

Thanks for the advice. As a newly married man, I can use all the help I can get.

Kathy said...

Always enjoy reading the blogs!

Anonymous said...

It was cute, but not as cute as your previous posts. I loke the snarky better :-)

SaraP said...

This actually sounds more like you talking. I thought this was very funny especially since I told my husband "FINE" last night and he still doesn't know why I am mad.

Anonymous said...

When will men learn that "OK, Fine" is never OK or Fine?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

You crack me up!