Sunday, August 15, 2010

Family Time And Other Time Warps

I love my family.  Don't get me wrong, I really do, but they can push my sense of "come on people, let's go" to the end of all reason.  As I understand it we have 4 time zones here in America. So why is it that my family operates in it's own little time warp continuum that prohibits them from getting anywhere together in a reasonable timely manner?  I'm not joking.  Herding cats is easier than getting my family to the church on time, if ya know what I mean.  At least with cats, you can get everyone headed in the general direction.

A few weeks ago, Ms. Tastrophie was visiting most of her time-delayed family and after much discussion, we decided to head out for dinner.  The decision was to go to Jack Stack's for BBQ.  And for those of you who don't know, let Ms. Tastrophie educate you:  Kansas City has THE BEST BBQ in the world.  Hands down.  Even when KC BBQ is bad, it's still better than any other BBQ in the world.  I know many of you may think them there are fightin' words, but bring it. 'Cause brown sugar and molasses kick some pork rib @$$!  

Now the where to eat discussion alone took us the better part of an hour, so once the decision was made, Ms. Tastrophie thought it was a fait de compli.  Why I don't know better by now, I can't tell you because this was not the first time I have made this mistake.  And here is where the time-warp-continuum begins:
Oh look, the family's all here.

6:00 p.m. - Grand announcement that we have "made a decision and are leaving" is made.  This is the announcement that signals everyone should get their stuff together and make any needed restroom breaks.  

6:15 p.m. - My aunt, step-mom, and I start looking for car keys, purses, cell phones and discussing who will be riding with whom in which car.  The men haven't moved from their respective positions since the Grand Announcement was made. 

6:30 p.m. - The women are walking out the door.  I decide I have to go back to the bathroom...again.  My family knows I have the world's smallest bladder and why they think I can make it out the door with only one potty break, is beyond moi.  My dad can't find his cell phone and has to have it because it's the one he uses for business.  My uncle is still standing in front of the t.v. watching sports center and it hasn't been determined whether or not he actually heard the "grand announcement".

6:45 p.m. - One person has decided that the outfit currently worn doesn't match the shoes currently worn and has returned to the bedroom to change.  (To protect the innocent, no names will be mentioned here...LISA.)  There are now two guys in front of the t.v. watching sport center.  Someone has discovered the sports section from yesterday's paper and is re-reading it to see if anything has changed since it was printed.  My aunt is on her cell phone talking to a friend back home and has poured herself a glass of wine.

7:00 p.m. - Someone has stuck their head in the refrigerator and is rooting around for something to eat.  The kids have returned to the den and the previously started video game.  I am texting and two people suddenly have gin & tonics in their hands.

7:15 p.m. - Step-mom (bless her heart, she is trying to get us out the door) re-announces the "Grand Announcement" to which the fluttering of car keys, cell phones and potty breaks begins anew.

7:30 p.m. - All family members are actually OUT of the house and standing halfway between the door and the cars.  Someone notices the inside only cat is now standing outside.  Cat herding for real has begun.

7:35 p.m. - Cat is much faster than the rotund body shape would imply.

7:45 p.m. - Grown people are circling a car attempting to coax rotund feline out from under the front axle.  Neighbors are gathering to watch the show.

8:00 p.m. - Long pole is used to "gently" herd cat to back end of car where rest of family is waiting to pounce and procure said feline.

8:05 p.m. - Neighbors start taking bets.  Odds listed at 80:1 in feline favor.

8:08 p.m. - Cat has outsmarted the entire family and is now up a tree and hissing.  Debates about calling the fire department vs. leaving feline up a tree.  One person has returned to the house to watch sports center and finish his gin & tonic.

8:25 p.m. - After much cat calling and fresh tuna enticement, the feline is out of the tree and safely inside the home.  Antiseptic, bandages and another gin & tonic have been applied.  All members are out of the house and half way to the car.

8:30 p.m. - Final head count is taken and all members are in assigned cars.  Assurances that a hospital visit is not necessary as enough gin & tonic has been consumed to kill toxoplasmosis, thypoid, and the common cold.

8:35 p.m. - Someone announces they have to go to the bathroom.  To which the reply "tough noogies" is actually heard out of a grown woman's mouth (O.K. it was my mouth) and the procession of cars pulls away.

8:55 p.m. Arrive at Jack Stacks "on time" for THE BEST DAMN BBQ EVER!!! 


Chemgeek said...

ugh!! The "slow leave" aggravates me to no end. My wife is if not the same way then at least sympathetic to my condition. We can get ourselves and 4 children out the door in 10 minutes, potty break and all.

I'm the same when leaving places. When the decision to leave has been proclaimed, if we are not gone within 5 minutes, I start to go into convulsions.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Chemgeek: Ditto on the leaving places. Glad to see I am not the only one who "struggles" with this time-warp problem :-D

Anonymous said...

From KS on FB: That's hysterical. Sounds like the Shugarts, only without the drinks, which just leaves people more irritated! ;)

Kathy said...

Lisa, Great blogs, I love to read all of them!

MJenks said...

One good thing about my wife's family: they actually plan the next meal whilst in the middle of eating the current meal.

Sometimes at breakfast, we'll have lunch AND dinner planned.

My father-in-law, or He Who Always Gets His Way, makes sure we eat at set times, too. None of them messing around for bathroom breaks.

Dad said...

Poetic license not withstanding, it sounds like an accurate retelling of numerous exits from our house.
Love you.


Scope said...

There is a small, but loud and angry German man that lives in my head that goes POSTMASTER GENERAL when a schedule is made and not followed.

Time to go is time to go.

I have actually tried to leave adults behind, hoping to teach them a lesson. Which makes my getting left at the Winchester Mystery House a bit ironic.

Anonymous said...

Do you think this time warp is hereditary???? It seems to run in quite a few families!!!