Sunday, October 4, 2009

Note on Nooners

The following is from my days in corporate life, when I worked for the nation's leading healthcare tech company.

Dear Co-worker:

Hi!  How are you?  I am going to assume that you are doing great considering the glow you have after returning from that extra-long lunch you took today.  In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you had a wham-bam good time at lunch.

I only say this because, we (your fellow co-workers) have noticed a few changes in you since you came back from that small 2 hour lunch you and the hot new guy from resource management took.  Like how bouncy and fluffy your hair is now.  It's a complete 180 from the semi-plastered look you were sporting this morning.  And speaking of sporting...  Do you remember in the 6th grade when they taught us about the birds & the bees?  Did you by any chance happen to pay attention to that part where they talk about hormones and pheromones?  You should have.  While, I am not one to knock knocking boots; I am one to advocate good hygiene and a quick little shower or some perfume after the quickie would be a good idea for next time.  

While we here at work are all so delighted in your happy-go-lately attitude that has suddenly developed ~ it is a welcome depart from the uptight b*tch you usually are; we did want to let you in on a little secret.  Yours is out!  No amount of sitting on a dead phone line while pretending to talk in an overly developed stage whisper to your best gal-pal "Cynthia" about how you just couldn't find the shoes you were looking for during your lunch hour and how the sales lady made you late getting back because she kept bringing you the wrong size, is going to make us think you did anything but get jiggy with it while you were gone.  

Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, we work in a glass building ...On the fourth floor.  One floor above the parking garage.  The garage that you and hot-guy from resource management both use while managing to park right next to each other...On the top level.  So, that little last minute grope session you two had right before you came back to work was a nice peep-show for those of us blessed with window cubicles (and anyone else we could manage to get the attention of during the fifteen minutes of fame the two of you were having).  Seriously, park on the second floor.  No one parks there and therefore would not have seen that you are not wearing panties or hose anymore.  Which, by the way, was another thing that tipped us off.  You had pantyhose on this morning.  Might I suggest having a back up pair just in case these little afternoon delights get a little rough on the original pair.  Just a suggestion.

Sincerely yours,
Ms. Tastrophies & 
The ENTIRE PathNet Team*

*cause you KNOW I told everyone and their uncle about this.



Bean Counting Knitter said...

Too damn funny. I am so glad you are back to blogging!

Wine and Words said...

Oh my....hilarious. We always think we are so sly don't we? Never underestimate the Crap Meters of your co-workers.

dg said...

HAHAHAHA - tell me you did NOT really send that to her? Actually, no. Tell me you DID!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I was going to write something pithy and funny here, but the word ver is "dowdowme".

Sounds like something your co-worker would yell during lunch. You know, when she's looking for shoes.