Monday, October 20, 2008

This is Some Scary Knit, People

The other night me and one of the best girlfriends (AW) got together for a night of movies and knitting. (Yes, Ms. Tastrophie knits and she has some mad cable knitting skills, thank you very much. Now, I love to knit. I am not a lover of all things scary movies. But this is the season and Best Girlfriend does love her some scary, so Ms. Tastrophie does what every good friend would do... watches and closes her eyes at the scary parts. (Which means I close my eyes pretty much from the minute the movie starts until the credits roll, because well...I'm a chicken sh*t.)

Now, I really can't yip too much on this because the movie and knitting was my idea. When I suggested the movie and knitting it was 9 a.m and I was thinking more about day-time movie viewing. For me, watching scary movies is done in the brightest part of the day with all the shades open and every light in the house on. The last time I did the scary with the shades closed and lights off was when my sister convinced me that it would be FUN to watch The Ring ( with no lights on in the middle of the evening. Did I mention my sister is mean? Then she thought it would be funny to call me on her cell phone from the bathroom right after scary-wet-black-hair-creepy-girl comes climbing out of the well and through the TV set. Did I mention I am now an only child?
Yeah, I had a $200 electric bill that month after sleeping with my entire apartment looking like the Crank house at Christmas time. I also lost a month of TV viewing since my TV was unplugged and hidden in the back of the closet for three weeks before I could bring myself to take it out. (I also had the closet door wedged shut with a chair, 2 stacks of BIG @$$ books and a dresser... just in case.)
Back to the story. AW & I rent the typical suspense-horror movie. The one where the Japanese version was so good that Hollywood tried to capitalize and re-make it. Yeah, it fell flat and was pretty bad, but it had just enough scary to get me all weirded out. We watch. We knit. I hid my eyes. Apparently not enough though because after Best Girlfriend leaves to return to here abode, I am left alone in a semi-dark apartment with two of the worst guard cats. One day someone is going to break in and those two morons will fall over themselves trying to make it under the bed in time.
I go to bed. Thing 1 and Thing 2 park themselves on the end of the bed dutifully keeping one eye opened for anything that should go "bump" in the night. Did you know cats can sleep with one eye opened? Yeah, they do. So that they can look like this when the boogie man comes creeping down the hall:
BIG PUSSIES!!! About 3 a.m. one of my neighbors decides now is a good time to go slamming doors and making all sorts of go-bump-in-the-night noises. I sit straight up. Cats jump straight up. My heart races faster than the Indy 500 lead car. Cats race faster across the bed and under the covers. Fur and blood was everywhere. Little brats forgot to pull back the claws in their mad dash under the covers to protect my feet. I scream like a little b*tch. OK, it was more like a blood curdling, bone chilling, OH-MY-GAWD-HE-IS-GOING-TO-KILL-ME-SCREAM. I kept it up for about 5 minutes (it felt like five minute, come on, work with me here). And thanks to the lovely after-market set of lungs I am now packing, I scream VERY loudly. When I finally wake up from the hyperventilating pass out, I grab the closest thing to a weapon I could find: My copy of the latest Twilight Series Breaking Dawn. (I don't know what I was going to do with it: bore the intruder to death?) After a very careful search of my apartment, I kicked Useless and More Useless out of the bed and went back to sleep....
Until the cops banging on my door woke me up and I started screaming all over again. My neighbors heard me screaming, called 9-1-1 thinking I was getting the business end of an axe or something, and the town's finest took 30 minutes to come rescue me. Let's just say they were not too happy to hear my explanation for interrupting their late-night donut run. And I won't be watching any more scary movies in the dark.


DG said...

Holy Mother of GAWD, but I am laughing! Oh. You are classic!

Best story ever.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

My cousins are both involved with the police forces back home. One is a jailer, the other a dispatcher. I swear Super Troopers is a documentary about them. So is Napoleon Dynamite, but that's beside the point.

This was a fine, fine story. I was wondering where it was going, but you wrapped it up nicely with the cops showing up. I applaud you for it.

Anonymous said... crack me up!! I hate scary movies too...and won't watch them.

Love the pick with the kitty too. HA!


Lisa-tastrophies said...

DG: :-) The cat scratches have pretty much gone away.

MJenks ~ that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said. Thank you.

P.s. Thank you both for reading my blog. Since you two are pretty much the only ones who read it, I really do appreciate the comments.

LarryLilly said...

My first wife had snake dreams. The kind where she suddenly started screaming at the top of her lungs, and in my attempt to wake her up, but she was awake, just not with it, she would scream louder (if that was possible, sort of like down shifting her scream machine).

And she usually had these dreams when we were in strange settings, like vacation, on our honeymoon (my first knowledge of this lovely future event), visiting relatives, travelling across country at Holiday inns.


And like you, these screaming attacks would get the motel manager, police and other people up and then well, you know the drill.

That woman was fng possessed.

LarryLilly said...

Correction, she was possessed. On top of her snake dreams she had multiple personalities. Six years old, 12 years old and then the adult. Problem was, when she went off, you had to figure out which Martha she was. Cause if she was the 6 YO, you had to coax her first into her bunny hole, but if she was the 12 YO, then it was the opposite, and my god, when she was the Fng adult, it was best to use mace.