Or that they are getting married. Ever. Which they informed you after having had some sort of massive brain fart then getting the fabulous idea that they needed to call/e-mail/facebook/twitter/IM you with that little glorious tidbit of information. Just so you would know. Cause the fact that you weren't THE ONE, but the one before THE ONE isn't enough to make that bitter taste in the back of your throat every time some one brings up Ex's name (or in this case apparently ~ names) go away.
Here I was enjoying the last bit of my summer break. Not having a care in the world since the school district can't get their sh*t together and actually post the curriculum so I wouldn't have to bust my hump making lesson plans that have more amendments to them than the Constitution on the day school actually started, when I get an e-mail from Ex#1. What?! I haven't heard from him in ages and while, yes, I was technically the one to dump him, it was still a little *Yeah Me* on the ego scale to see that he had been thinking of little ol' moi. It was full of the usual catch-ups: How are you? What have you been up to? How's teaching? And, Oh by the way, I am getting married.
I think I spent five minutes reading and rereading that little dagger through the heart. Strangely the announcement never changed no matter how many times I read it thinking I had mistaken something in the Times New Roman font. Ok, time to woman-up, Ms. Tastrophie,and send Ex#1 a begrudging congratulations. I mean, I was the one to break up. And I knew I wasn't THE ONE for him, but single-at-40 is still a bitter pill to swallow, no matter how many Ho-Ho's and Xanax you use to cover it. I sent a slightly over-the-top-cheerful note expressing my hopes for a long and fruitful union. Then went and downed a couple of Ho-Ho's to sooth my bruised ego. (Make that several Ho-Ho's: you know how big Lisatastrophie's ego is.)
About an hour or so later I am talking to Ex#2 via IM. Strangely, through our love of a similar sport, EX#2 and I have kept in brief/random contact. So having a random IM conversation with him was not too far fetched. Plus, he was the one who said we could still be "friends" when he broke up with me and I took his word on it. (Note to guys: Don't even bother with this bullsh*t line. We know you don't mean it and we will only use it as an excuse to drive you batsh*t nuts. It's our little way of getting even for your breaking our hearts.) Anyway, I was telling him about Ex#1's little announcement when he decides to disclose to me that he has an announcement of his own: He's engaged as well. Then he proceeds to give me every detail of how the nuptial asking went down. Being that Ms. Tastrophie is a true Southern woman, I gave my second cheerful congratulations of the day and quickly ended the IM session before I went all Fatal Attraction on my pillow with the butter knife.
The whole time I am making mince-meat out of my favorite feather down king sized pillow, I am thinking "OMG! Are you kidding me? This can not be happening twice in one day. Hell, lightening doesn't even strike twice and I just got a double love-karma b*tch slap from two Ex's on the same day!!!" I didn't get this kind of love-karma-hell when I got divorced. Oh Sweet Mary someone get me the double sized box of Ho-Ho's STAT cause this is not going to be pretty. Who cares if I was the dumpee or the dumper? I don't want to know that my Ex's are living happily-ever-after when the closest thing I have had to a relationship in the last year has been telling my batsh*t crazy co-worker to go screw off. Now that I think about it, he is now my EX-co-worker and with my luck will probably call me to tell me HE has gotten engaged as well.
After the first (of many) 30 minute crying jag, I managed to find my recipe for Lemon Drop Martini's (*see below) and make myself a few (I lost count at 5) that would have made James Bond beg me for more. I am not sure what happened after martini #3 but I do know that the hang-over I had the next morning would have given both of the Ex's sweet satisfaction knowing that once again Ms. Tastrophie was given a taste of the little karmic-kick-back she is so richly getting from the universe these days.
Life's Little Helper Lemon Drop Martini's
1 1/2 ounce Vodka
3/4 ounce Triple Sec
2 tsp Sugar
3/4 ounce Lemon Juice
Mix over ice. Shake 40+ times. Strain and pour in sugar rimmed glass.
Drink responsibly please. :-)