Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Or what REALLY happened to King Midas and his golden touch.

This six weeks my class Language Arts class has been studying Mythology.  Let's just say the gods and goddesses of Greek and Roman mythology in the minds of 7th graders are more mixed up than a Roman orgy at closing time.  

Note to kids:  
A) Pandora was not Samantha's mother from Bewitched.  (Although points given for having knowledge of "vintage" television shows.)  
B) Brad Pit is NOT really Hercules.  Even if he was built like a greek god in the movie....  

Monday we read the story of King Midas.  For those who don't remember: his curse was to turn everything he touched into gold.  Which was great for him in the beginning, but not so much for his daughter until Midas got his greed issues worked out.

Two things I have learned about teaching seventh graders:
1. They take everything LITERALLY!!  They can't understand common sense, but they will beat you down with the literal every chance they get.
2. Everything ~ and I do mean EVERYTHING ~ can have a sexual connotation to it.  Even math because GAWD forbid you add, subtract, multiply or divide something and have the answer turn out to be 69!!!!  You will not get your class back for a good 10 minutes.

After we read the story, we start discussing why the ability to turn everything into gold might not be a good idea.  It went a little like this:

T - that would be me : how do you think this would affect Midas in his daily life?

Student A: It would suck if you had to take a piss.  Dude, you touch your dick to shake it off and your sh*t's hard for life.

Student B:  Oh dude!! That would suck, except for with the chicks, man.  

Student C:  Yeah, but if she was sucking your dick and it was gold and everything you touch turned to gold, would she turn to gold?  Cause, man, I ain't got no use for some gold hoochie.

T ~ (Not wanting to give ammunition to this conversation direction ):  I can see how not being able to use certain body parts would not be a good thing, but can anyone think about other ways this golden touch might give Midas problems?

Student D: Oh Man!! So if everything you touch turned to gold, what about your sh*t?  F*ck!  Solid gold sh*t!!  That's da bomb! You could actually sell your sh*t and get money......

This is the part where I walked over to my desk and open the "In Case of Emergency" drawer.  This drawer is filled with chocolate ~ since the school district apparently frowns on teachers taking xanax during class room hours ~ and proceed to eat my body weight in Hershey's miniatures while waiting for the "Midas Touch" to run its course.


Coolred38 said...

Where do you da hood?

I wouldnt mind being able to touch my ex...turn him into gold then melt him down and make a gold toilet out of him...let everyone enjoy shitting in a gold toilet...sounds good to me. of the Tomb Raider games (PS2 game, cant remember which one) has a section where she goes up to this large statue hand laying in a cave...obviously you need to do something using the hand...but everytime you touch it you turn to gold and fall over with a loud clunk...took me awhile to remember the story about King Midas...and to then work out what needed doing. Good times!!!

LarryLilly said...

These kids have a hard time dealing with reality, why do you teach them mythology?

One of these spawn will turn out to be the future DISD supers some day.

Probably the one that thinks everything you touch turns to chit!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

*sigh* Sadly, I've wondered that about Midas. Was the touch power limited to just his hands, or would everything his body came in contact with turn to gold.

Also, the kid who came up with solid gold shit...brilliant. He gets an A.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@Coolred38 ~ The hood? Sort of. I teach at the detention center (which is why I don't go ape nuts when they cuss. Because they can't talk without using expletives or their heads would explode)
ooohhh, I like the idea for the EX. Finally something good would come from that relationship :-)

@LarryLilly ~ Wasn't my idea. The district tells me what to teach, so I am pretty much stuck teaching fantasy to a bunch of kids who can't figure out fact from fiction.

@MJenks ~ yeah, I had to wonder about the touch thing myself. What if his feet could turn everything to gold as well?

dg said...

STOP IT. They DID NOT say all of that in class.



WTF is happening to kids these days? Had I talked that way back in 1986, my mouth and eyeballs would have been permanently affixed to the closest wall, because the teacher would have slapped me so hard they would have flown off my face.

Lisa-tastrophies said...

@DG ~ sadly enough, yes this conversation actually happened. Since I work with the juvenile delinquent population, cussing is part of their daily vocabulary. Even worse is when you talk to their parents and discover where the kids learned it....